Differences magnified

Just checking in as this feels like my safe space lately. I love popping on here and reading updates on everyone, even when I don’t have much to say myself. I feel like I’m fighting my way though the struggles that I have been going through the past few months, and it’s a good feeling.

Work is so busy lately and that’s intensified a bit as I have to get a lot done before I head up to Alaska. I honestly CAN’T WAIT to get away, things are going pretty badly with my boyfriend lately and I need the space. I feel like I’m constantly on edge around him and can’t say or do anything right. Drinking is a big part of his life along with the socializing part of drinking and he has been freaking out on me lately for not joining in with him and his drinking buddies. I just have absolutely zero desire to listen to them all get drunk and talk about the same old things that they talk about every single week. If I try to talk about anything I get shot down or talked over. Honestly the only reason I go sometimes is to get some affection from my boyfriend because unless he’s with his friends, in a crowd and drinking, he is completely unaffectionate. No hugs, no kisses, no hand on the back or shoulder, no “I love you”s, no cuddling, no arm around the waist and even no compliments. Well the odd occasional half hearted compliment here or there and that’s it. It has always been like that with him for the 3 years that we’ve been together, but when I was still drinking I’d just obnoxiously push myself on him or cuddle up to him, because boundaries were non existent for me when I was drunk and apparently I’m an asshole that way. I’d also be the one initiating sex most of the time and now that has also come to a standstill. I’m in my early 40’s and this is excruciating for me. I feel like I’m withering away or something ohhh my goddd *insert big dramatic sigh here* (ok, that’s an exaggeration, but I do feel lonely right to the very core of my being). He was happy when I was giving backrubs and footrubs and paying him constant compliments and helping him out with odd jobs and being his sidekick and going to parties or the bar/lounge etc etc, but there was never anything reciprocated. That (to me anyway) isn’t a relationship.

Behind it all though, I’m sitting here wondering if it’s me. Am I too busy trying to find myself that I’m not paying enough attention to him and that’s why I feel this way? Am I being selfish for putting myself first here and craving affection and compliments? Once I get a full grasp on sobriety and feel comfortable in my skin and more comfortable being around his drinking buddies again will it change the dynamics in our relationship again? He’s not a bad person, he’s just different than me, and those differences are being even more magnified now that I’m sober and he’s still drinking. Maybe he is also feeling that our differences are more magnified now and he’s having a hard time dealing with that. Who knows…

Bed it is then

I am at 199 days sober and cigarette free today. I’m also curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself or something. My mood swings this week have been crazy and I am emotionally drained. I think it’s from Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, my emotional turmoil with my own mother and the insane deep seated fear I have of being like her. I have told myself over and over this week that I’m NOT like her. The house is an absolute disaster from doing some minor renos and I should be cleaning or painting or at least making the house somewhat presentable for when the kids come over tomorrow for Mother’s Day brunch. 

Happy Friday? 

Mood swings

Urghhh I think that one of the hardest things to deal with and work through for me are my mood swings. Sometimes they come sliding in swiftly like a landslide, knocking me completely off balance and taking me completely by surprise. Other times it starts off like clouds on the horizon, gentling rolling in and accompanied by soft thunder – a beautiful sunny day changing into something different but not terrible and giving you enough time to prepare for it. Sometimes it’s little things that set it off and sometimes it takes days of letting things slide off my back. Sometimes it is absolutely nothing at all that I can put my finger on. Is this where people’s love of meditation & yoga start? πŸ˜‹

woop!

I made it to 6 months! It was actually a couple of days ago, but I’ve been having a hard time lately so I took some time to myself to go hiking and exploring and get my hair done and take myself out for lunch etc. I took a couple of vacation days to do this but it was so, sooo worth it.

I’ve still been getting up a little earlier in the morning so that I can squeeze in some fasted cardio & work up a sweat for a short 2- minutes. I’ve also jumped on the apple cider vinegar bandwagon – 3 tsps in the morning with some lemon water. It tastes terrible. The first time I had it I was taken back to a time when I was at a friends house and she offered me some leftover wine she had (she’d had it for a while because it was completely vinegary but I drank it anyway because she didn’t have anything else in the house. eep). I have also been drinking Golden Chai tea in the evening with tumeric. I’ve read so many health benefits to both of those and I will say that my knee, which used to get very painful when I was running before has barely beenΒ  bugging me lately. I have also had a lot more energy. My sugar cravings though – still remain super high. I have been experimenting with all sorts of “healthy” recipes (detoxinista.com has some great alternatives to the unhealthy-but-so-sweet-oh-my-god-I-want-to-devour-the-entire-pkg things that I daydream about).

I’m going out to bingo tonight with a couple of girlfriends. There’s one that makes such a big deal about me not drinking – she has to mention it every single *&%$’ing time we’re out and make a big deal about it as everyone else drinks their wine or other beverages. Seriously, just drink your wine and stop saying “Oh, does this bother you?!” before every sip. I think that’s what I find frustrating – that I’m just trying to navigate being around other people in social settings and just trying to enjoy myself, relax and have fun and there always seems to be one person who focuses on the fact that I’m not drinking and makes a big deal about it. Oh well, off I go πŸ™‚

Keeping it calm

Creeping up on 6 months of not smoking or drinking! I’ve noticed that the past week or so I’ve been feeling a lot calmer and happier. Maybe it is the anticipated arrival of Spring (we’re still waiting for it up here in the middle of Canada).

I’ve had a couple of things to deal with lately, that I have actually given myself a mental “hey, you’re handling this a lot better than you would have before!” high-5. The first one is that I have to head to Alaska in a month for a work related thing for a few days. I have never been and decided to extend my trip there to a week so that I could do sightseeing and a few small road trips. I was hoping that my boyfriend would come as well as he has never been there but alas it is not his type of “sit on the beach with drink in hand” vacation so I’m going alone. I tried to talk a girl friend into going but she can’t either. So my flights are booked, and I booked a rental car already and I have been busy planning out my touristy stuff and road trips and I’m SUPER excited about it! I’ve done a bit of solo traveling so it doesn’t bother me too much but…. I do have a little pout on about it. I honestly have never felt this lonely in a relationship EVER. It seems to be exasperated by me quitting drinking and trying to navigate the whole relationship thing while sober, trying to re-explore the whole socializing with people thing, etc. I’m not getting uptight about it though or freaking out. I’m just moving forward, more calmly than I would have when I was drinking.

❀

 

5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days.

I just looked it up on my app because I thought I was getting close to 6 months! Wow… It almost feels a little normal these days haha. I have had a couple of days in the past few weeks where an intense craving has hit me out of the blue, like a little electric jolt. I did however, have a very rude awakening the other night, where I knew without a doubt that if I had still been drinking I would have had a dui. I was driving home from work after an evening meeting, and I came around a corner and there was a speed trap right there. It’s in a section of road where the speed limit is reduced and it’s in a remote area where there is rarely any traffic. I’ve never, ever seen a speed trap set up there. I was actually doing the speed limit because I was happy and relaxed and feeling great about how my meeting had gone. I was enjoying the scenery and wondering if I would see a bear haha. I think the police man was as startled to see me as I was to see him πŸ˜‰ If I was still drinking my day would have gone like this: rush rush all day trying to get everything ready for the meeting last minute, feeling mad, stressed and anxious. Pick up a bottle (or box more likely) of wine in between office hours and meeting. Sneak a drink (or two) to calm my nerves and be able to “focus” on those late minute details along with some liquid courage to make that presentation. Get through the meeting feeling guilty that I hadn’t finished some reports, was behind in other work, didn’t get certain things done on time, etc. Go back to my office afterwards and pour a drink in the travel mug… because there’s never anyone on the road that I travel on and I want a drink and “what’s the difference between having one in my office or sipping it on the way home?“. I would have been focused on getting home, not paying too much attention to the landscape, or the speed limit and bang boom, bye bye license.

I’ve been in here a couple of times to start writing a post lately, I’m really struggling with my emotions lately. I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away… Mainly it’s my mom that I’m having a hard time with. I have always had a rough relationship with her and for years I could only talk to her if I got so pissed drunk that I wouldn’t remember the conversation afterwards (yes, terrible, I know… *sigh*) I just think it’s coming to a head because I have so many different thoughts and emotions bubbling up all over the place and I’m trying to deal with those and along with those are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that stem from my relationship with my mother (Sorry, but when you have a mother who tells you that you ruined her life because she never wanted kids, she hates you, you’re ugly, etc.. it kinda sticks with you and affects you for a few years or lots of years) THANK GOODNESS SHE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY~!! πŸ˜‰  Arggghhh hahaha, mothers!