ramble

I had one of those weekends where I can look back on it and say “thank god I was sober. Seriously.” The whole weekend would have taken a completely different turn if I had still been drinking.

It started off with the Thursday night drink mixup at the bar.

Friday night my boyfriend and I went out for appetizers and bowling with my oldest son and his fiance. I was just going to go by myself but my boyfriend decided that he wanted to go as well. My boyfriend sat back while I paid for everything, then proceeded to tell me on the way home that he had just received a huge bonus at work. He and I are very different with our money and although we live together we keep separate finances, thank goodness. I have a pretty low income with my field of work but love my job as it is a feel good job haha. For me it is all about the memories; for him everything has a monetary value and he will even bitch about the cost of something that he doesn’t even pay for. (If I had been drinking – restaurant bill would have been a LOT higher. Bowling would have included drinking and then I would have been itching to get home to continue drinking and not fully appreciating just being there having fun. Maybe I would have been upset and confused at the boyfriend not chipping in for appies or bowling and made a snarky comment to him over it)

Saturday the boyfriend went snowmobiling with friends (I’m too slow to keep up with them apparently). I had a wonderful day with my two youngest kids, did some touristy stuff and went out for lunch. It was awesome, laid back and fun. Saturday night boyfriend and I went over to his friends house that he had gone snowmobiling with. There was a new addition to the group – a single woman who had been snowmobiling with them the last few times too. I’m not sure how she joined their group, but I do know that she was quite flirty with my boyfriend that night and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and damn it she was a heavy drinker and tiny framed! I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and upset but didn’t say anything or let it show. We stayed late, but left at a decent hour before everyone was stupid drunk. (If I had been drinking – probably would have had drinks with lunch with my boys (why?), and Saturday night I know for sure that I would have really let it upset me and freaked the hell out on my boyfriend on the drive home, blowing everything out of proportion, drank more at home and carried my fit through to Sunday)

Sunday I texted my sister  a simple question, innocently asking her if she was mad at my sons fiance (my son had asked me if I knew what was going on due to something that had happened online). She responded with a “oh no, of course not!”, and changed the subject. Fine… well then my son texts me all upset because my sister just texted him a big long super nasty text! What the heck! I assume that something else is going on with her so I text her to ask her if she’s ok. She then freaks out on me and tells me that I’m upsetting her. What?? I’m so confused. I apologize for upsetting her and leave it at that. It really upset me though because I had no idea what happened and why she reacted the way she did, or how I should handle it. I just “turtled” lol, and when I drove by the liquor store later that day I almost longingly thought that it would be soooo nice to bury my racing thoughts and emotions in a good old drunk up. I didn’t act on that thought. It bothered me all weekend. It is still bothering me. This is on top of a few other things that she has done lately that I have let slide. I live so far away from my sisters that it’s hard to connect sometimes. It shouldn’t be with the modern technology, but it is. I apologized to my son for my sisters behaviour, and that I somehow set it off. He did nothing wrong, and my sister is lashing out at his fiance for something that happened after they first got together when they were teenagers for gods sake. Almost 5 yrs ago! Ughh… (If I had been drinking – I would not have dropped this. I would have used it as an excuse to drink even more, maybe pick up an extra bottle of wine, and there would have been lots of angry texts or phone calls. My anger towards that would also have spilled over into the angry emotions that I had on Saturday night so I probably would have found a reason to lash out at my boyfriend as well. Instead of sitting here this morning trying to focus on the positives of the weekend while trying to figure out how to handle the sister situation, I would have still been angry, upset, felt justified in whatever course of irrational action I had taken.)

Yesterday was a stat here and I got out and enjoyed the beautiful weather we’re having. Lots of fresh air, by myself. Made a nice dinner when I got home and did a 1/2 workout followed by a 1/2 sweaty jog on the treadmill. Had a good sleep. (If I had been drinking – after the other events of the weekend I would have been in no shape or form to get out, to exercise or to run on the treadmill. Stat day = extra drinking day)

119 days alcohol free / 122 days smoke free / 148 days since I started the journey to sobriety.

 

F’ing mixup

I went out with friends tonight to celebrate someone’s birthday.

I ordered my usual alcohol free fun drink (virgin Malibu rain = cranberry & pineapple juice with a splash of 7-up). 

Person next to me decided to order the same but with alcohol (Malibu rum & banana liqueur)

Waitress comes back with two identical drinks, but one has an additional white straw. The one with the extra white straw gets put in front of me.

I have no sense of smell (from years of nose being buried in a wine glass?) but I sniff my drink anyway because I’m nervous for some reason and I think I smell alcohol. I ask the person on the other side of me if she thinks there’s alcohol in it. She sniffs it, then a little taste. No she says, it’s fine.

I take a little sip on the straw, just enough to touch my tongue, and there it is. I knew immediately. I sat there frozen and you know what went through my mind? “I could drink this all and no one else would know.”

I told the girl next to me that I thought our drinks had gotten mixed up and she took a taste of each and said “oh! Haha yep you’re right!” And we swapped, but man that just changed the whole evening for me. I didn’t want to order another drink all evening in case there was another mixup because I knew if it happened again I honestly think I would have drank it. I hope that I wouldn’t have, but I think maybe I would have and that bothers me a lot. 

114 days. I’m not restarting the counter for something I didn’t even swallow so tomorrow will be 115 days damn it!

Can I do this?

Whenever I’ve been in a situation where I’m super nervous, I have always given myself the little pep talk “I can do this. I CAN do this!”. Honestly it doesn’t help much and I have still been super nervous and on the verge of passing out because my heart is racing so much and I’m forgetting to breathe.

The other day a speaker I was listening to was talking about how we should be asking ourselves “CAN I do this?” instead of telling ourselves that we can do it. The reasoning was something along the lines of our brains will then come up with a bunch of different reasons why we can do it, and will try to protect us from failure or something (I’m sorry, I actually wish I had taken notes!). He was a really great speaker and I did pay attention to what he was saying, honestly. This one part really stood out for me though, I guess because I have to give myself little pep talks quite often.

Almost right after listening to him speak, I had to stand in front of a (smaller) crowd and do about 1 minute of public speaking myself. The thought of public speaking makes me want to cry. I get so nervous that my heart races and my throat squeezes tight and my stomach does flip flops and I feel like I’m going to pee my pants and then I get so nervous at the thought of maybe peeing my pants in front of a crowd that my heart races faster and I forget to breathe and then I feel like I’m going to pass out and what happens if I pass out AND pee my pants… (deep breath)… and the worst part is that I would actually love to be a public speaker – I do love to speak and I have lots to speak about haha (that’s what I tell myself to try to psyche myself up every time my begging not to be made to do it falls on deaf ears) Anyway… when I was starting to feel nervous, I asked myself “Can I do this?” and seriously… it turned it around and I came up with a bunch of reasons why I could and laughed at myself for being nervous. (ANDDD I did not pee my pants).

I wish I had heard that a few months ago when I was trying to get through those crazy first few months of sobriety.

“Can I do this?”

Hell to the yeah you can!

I’ll just put it back

I had a funny little drinking dream, well, NON-drinking dream last night. 

I was out hiking and exploring an amazing area, staying at this fun little inn or b&b with friends and just having a great weekend all around. I decided to let myself have ONE night to drink. Just one. We were all celebrating, and it was definitely a night that I would have felt that “I’m missing out” or whatever pang if I stayed sober.

In my dream I was excited about going to the store and choosing what I was going to drink, and I loaded ( yes, loaded) up my basket with all of my old favourites. I headed towards the til and stopped dead in my tracks. I thought “I’m at 119 days today. If I drink I won’t get to 120 tomorrow”. (I’m only at 113 today) And I was sad, super sad actually haha, and I slowly went and slowly achingly put everything back one by one. Everyone was staring at me and I was just sadly putting things back on shelves where they belonged. 

These past few days at the conference have been pretty… interesting. Lots of pangs. Last day today, so before I’m late as usual… happy hump day everyone!

Happy Valentines Day beautiful souls! Hope you all have a day filled with happiness and funny moments.

I’m not ignoring comments on my last post, I’m at a conference this week and haven’t had a chance to respond. I also have a LOT to write about!

Pity party

Lately I have really been struggling with my emotions. This weekend so far has been a “why am I even doing this? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Why is my mind AND my body fighting me every step of the way?” 

My ex sister in law posted on Facebook “between dry February and exercising the past few weeks I’ve lost a lot of weight!” Really? In 2 weeks? Lucky duck. I weighed myself and I’m up another pound. 110 days sober, active as f&ck, eating healthier, drinking lots of water…. maybe it’s my age. Apparently it’s super hard to lose weight in your 40’s 😉 

An old friend came out for a visit from another province and we went for lunch. I texted him yesterday to say that I hoped he was having a great visit and he replied that he was, except that everyone out here looked fat and old. How nice. In my mind of course he was talking about me because that’s how I feel about myself lately, right? I grabbed my snowshoes and went out for an hour hike after that. Then when I got back in I watched the comedy channel and there was a super funny comedian on. Timing.

Anyway, signed in here quickly this morning before heading out for some fresh air and came across this post from soberish. Timing. 💗

“There comes a point in sobriety where you have to force yourself to confront difficult emotions without any crutches. These are not easy moments, nor are they completely unfamiliar to you. In fact, these are the same thoughts and memories that would, in another life, drive you to open the bottle and get blasted. But now that you’re sober, there’s a new, naked vulnerability invading your inner world and it’s going to get harder before it gets easier.”

Wrestling With Demons

Wrestling With Demons

Fly

I’m seeing lots of music posts today! What an awesome Friday vibe 🙂

One of my all time favourite songs is Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Oh the memories I have with this song, and how I’d love it if it came on when I was completely f*&ked up. As with many of the awesome bands of the past, addiction caused this band a lot of troubles. Gary Rossington, their lead guitarist back in ’76 crashed his new car while under the influence which lead to a delay of their tour and also to Ronnie Van Zant writing the song “That Smell” AND banning all drugs and alcohol from their dressing rooms. Sadly, just after their tour did start, Ronnie and several other band members were killed in a plane crash. Gary survived with multiple injuries which kickstarted his addictions again. I *think* that the band is clean and sober now?

Back to Free Bird though… as I was humming along to the song when it came on the radio during my commute the other day, I kept thinking that the lyrics kind of described how I feel now… free, with so much to see. Sober me loves this song just as much as I used to.

Lyrics

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be travelin’ on now
There’s too many places I got to see

If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can’t change

Bye and bye baby, it’s been sweet love, yeah yeah
Though this feelin’ I can’t change
Please don’t take it so badly
‘Cause Lord knows, I’m to blame

And if I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t even be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change

Lord knows, I can’t change
Lord help me, I can’t change
Lord I can’t change
Won’t you fly high free bird yeah