Day 6

I am so thankful that I did that online search last week to look for bloggers who were also on this journey. I am so glad that I decided to start this blog myself in attempt to keep myself accountable, because this and the sweet words of encouragement and check-ins from people who have never even met me is what kept me going during a weekend of hell at home.

I don’t know what’s going on with my boyfriend, I honestly don’t understand his reaction to this (me quitting drinking) at all. We’ve been together for over 2 years and I have never seen this side of him. We’re both divorced (I was married for 15 yrs, he was married for 20). I didn’t really start drinking until after my marriage ended 9 years ago, but he has always been a drinker – heavier when he was younger. I haven’t made this about him at all, and I haven’t said anything to him about wanting him to quit drinking. He cut back on drinking a few months ago and made plenty of comments about my drinking “Oh, into the wine already?” when I’d pour myself a glass after I got home while I was making dinner, “maybe you’d lose weight if you weren’t drinking a bucket of wine a night”. Glares or rolling eyes when I brought a bottle home (so I just started sneaking in boxes and refilling the two wine bottles when he wasn’t in the room).

I guess I should thank him – it wasn’t until I started hiding the wine, trying to hide the drinking, drinking before I got home so that I’d have a buzz and not have to drink as much at home in front of him to get the effect I wanted, hiding a box of wine in the basement near the treadmill so that I could fill up my water bottle with wine and run on the treadmill every night so that I could drink without getting the stink-eye from him, getting up after he fell asleep so that I could sneak in a few more glasses of wine to help me sleep… that I really had to face the fact that I had a problem.

Sooo…. why is he being such a dick about me quitting? Why is he all of a sudden drinking more than I have seen him drink in ages? Yesterday he was going to go and pick up a case of beer to drop off at his friends house as a thank you for watching our place while we were gone the other week. That turned into him packing a 6-pack for himself, going over there at 3pm, asking me to have dinner ready at 6:30 and then not getting home til 7:30, pissed drunk. No, I didn’t wait to eat, I ate at 6:30, and no, I didn’t confront him or say anything to him as I was heading out to drop by my son’s house for a quick visit when he got home. I’m not even mad about it, I’m just sad about it, and confused.

Day 5 (bitchy mcbitchbitch face)

1 week ago today I bought my last bottle of wine. We had just gotten home from our trip to Texas, I was irritable and grumpy and made an excuse to drive to town by myself. I bought the bottle, hid it in my carry-on luggage that was still in my car and smuggled it into the house and into the bedroom. Told boyfriend I was tired and was going to lay in bed and read. He, of course, was busy watching tv and doesn’t pay attention to me at the best of times so just nodded his head. 3/4 of the way through the bottle I remember thinking to myself “seriously? What am I doing? This was supposed to end a month ago” I saved the remaining glass “in case I had a bad day the next week”, hidden away in my underwear drawer. Lol. Made it through Monday and thought about it all day Tuesday. Tuesday night the boyfriend had hockey so I poured myself that last glass and said goodbye. Wednesday I started searching online for blogs, stories, support groups, ANYTHING, and that’s how I ended up here ๐Ÿ˜Š I’m suuuuuperrrrr bitchy this weekend, spurred on mainly by the boyfriend being a complete and utter dick. Well, maybe there’s a little bit of pms contributing to the bitchyness too ๐Ÿ˜. I’ll power through though, because I can’t wait to write “day 6!” Tomorrow and “one week!!” On Tuesday. Hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend!

Dream a little dream…

I had a dream last night that my sisters and mom were flying in to visit me and I decided that I was going to ride my bike to the airport to pick them up. I was in a strange city though, full of cobblestone streets and walls and walking paths made of rocks. I was using a little gps thing to find my way to the airport and it was sending me on this crazy, round about, completely indirect route. I was waiting to cross the street when I noticed that the tire on my bike was flat, but the crowds were large and pushy and I got swept along with the crowd to the other side of the street. I followed the gps route and ended up on the top of a cliff with a beautiful scenic path along the ocean, but I was frustrated and wanted to get to the airport on time and I knew this way would make me late. I turned around to see a multitude of paths back down but none that I recognized. I asked a lady if she could help me – which way do I go? Which path do I take? I’m going to be late to the airport and I could feel the anxiety building and panic setting in. She gave me a funny little smile, pointed to the path along the ocean and said “enjoy the path you’re on”. That’s when the dream ended and I woke up, with her funny little smile and words still fresh in my head. Enjoy the path… 

(Do you ever wonder if those strangers in our dreams that we interact with wake up somewhere in real life saying “I had the weirdest dream last night- I told someone to enjoy the path…”?)

Day 4!

I did it last night! I took my own car to the steak night thing at the bar, ordered a 7-up while sitting with a group of the boyfriends drinking buddies, ordered an appetizer that I wanted, told some funny stories about my trip to Dallas and solo road trip from there up to Oklahoma, finished my food and another 7-up and excused myself early. Boyfriend was mad that I was leaving and he stayed but I don’t care. Funny thing was that I actually worried about whether I should order an orange and 7-up so that no one would notice that I wasn’t drinking my usual vodka-orange-7, but I was SO worried it would somehow end up with alcohol in it, like the bartender would make it out of habit or something ๐Ÿ™„. No one even noticed that I was drinking 7-up lol.

In the past, me leaving early would mean that I wanted to get home to my bottle of wine and drink in peace and quiet. Last night I just wanted to get home to read the email from Belle at 100 day challenge that was all of her month 2 blogs ๐Ÿ˜ Then I was in bed before the boyfriend got home.


Weekend worries

I’ve been itchy today. Itchy and fidgety and craving something that I can’t put a finger on. I’ve mentally gone over all sorts of different foods from fresh bread to chocolate bars, meats, licorice, everything. Nothing jumps out. So weird.

The boyfriend called to say that we were invited to the bar tonight by some of his friends for steak night, and that he wants us to go to a social tomorrow night for a friends daughter’s wedding (I think the area that I live in is perhaps the only place that has socials – they’re a type of fundraiser for people getting married. It’s like a party but not as exciting. You buy tickets for about $20 and then basically what happens is people sit around tables drinking until they’re drunk enough to go and dance (because the music is so loud that you can’t hold a conversation), and there’s a silent auction and usually a texas mickey or basket of wine raffle too, and a 50/50. The winning tickets for prizes usually don’t get drawn until around 1am). I told him I could try the steak night tonight but that I’d like to take my own car so that I can leave early if I want to, and that I really would prefer not to go to the social tomorrow. Those things were torture for me even when I was drinking as I’m older than most of the crowd there, but younger than the grandparents, and my dance moves suck, even when I was drunk lol. Oy. Now I’m trying to put myself into the frame of mind or thought process of not being nervous and uptight about going out, but excited to socialize and see what fun virgin drinks I can have tonight. yay….

3 days. Give me sweets and let me sleep.

5 weeks into the journey and 3 days sober. I am glad that I decided to quit smoking and drinking at the same time but my body is having a hard time adjusting. Why wouldn’t it after so many years of abuse? I cannot though, get over how badly I’m craving anything sugary or sweet. And also how exhausted I am. Shouldn’t I be bouncing off the walls with all that sugar in my system? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Last night was a Thursday night – probably one of the harder nights for me as far as temptations go and over the past 5 weeks most of my slip up nights have been on Thursdays. Not last night though!! I stayed at my office late because I had to go and be a guest book reader at a library thing in the early evening and then a long lost acquaintance dropped by my office unexpectedly. She had been driving by on her way to a meeting that she had in the area and saw my car and decided to drop in. We used to work in the same circle a few years ago and I was often in meetings with her. Meetings where she had already hit the bottle or was drinking during (vodka in the pepsi bottle trick). Being around her in meetings made me want to drink – “I want that buzz! I want to float through this meeting without really knowing what’s going on and tune out most of the boring discussion too!”. Guaranteed I’d be picking up a bottle of wine as soon as I finished work on those days because I’d already been thinking non stop about it for hours. Last night she was already into the booze, but all I could think was “there’s no way I’m going to go and do this library thing with wine on my breath, AND there’s also no way I’m picking up a bottle on my way home afterwards either!” And I made it through the visit with her, and I made it to the library and did my thing and ran out right way (because I am really quite introverted and shy and I f’n hate things like that). I bought a bottle of WATER on my way home and when I got home I tackled a huge pile of dishes, made myself dinner (boyfriend was out) and then turned on the tv and watched some comedy shows. I checked my emails and had one to confirm that I had signed up for the 100 day challenge and attached to that was an 81 page document that had all ofย’s first month’s blog posts. So I read that while drinking my detox tea.

PS – found a really easy, really good/healthy(?) recipe for “salted caramel dip” that filled my sweet cravings yesterday. I made a big batch so that I could take some with sliced apples to work and maybe prevent myself from running to the store to buy a king sized chocolate bar haha. salted-raw-caramel-dip from Detoxinista


Day 1 – taking a new path

For far too many years I have been hiding behind a glass – either wine glass or other glass that contained an alcoholic beverage. If I felt nervous, or stressed, or grumpy, or wanted to celebrate, had a bad day at work, was tired and wanted to relax… well that was my answer and my way of coping, dealing, celebrating, living. Living? Living, blacking out, freaking out, passing out… because one or two drinks was never enough for me.

I’ve known for a long time that this was a problem for me but the past year or so it has actually started to bother me. Before that it didn’t. I always thought “who cares? I like my wine. I like to drink, I deserve this! How is it anyone else’s business how much I drink? It makes ME happy.”. I actually can’t remember when it started to get out of hand. When it started taking over my thoughts and when I would start skipping events or get togethers or look forward to my boyfriend having other plans so that I could have a night by myself and drink myself into a quiet, happy, drunken stupor and stumble to bed. When THAT turned into every. single. night. It didn’t help that I love the taste of alcohol (especially wine), I love the feel of the wine glass in my hand, and I love feeling that happy drunken stupor feeling. I’m an alcoholic. I know this. I’ve known it for longer that I have been worried about it.

Today is officially day one of being sober. 5 weeks ago was supposed to be, but I have had a few slip ups. I decided to quit drinking and smoking at the same time 5 weeks ago and to say that it has been rough is an understatement. I’m not happy with myself for slipping up, but I’m not going to give up on this journey either and I think that having this blog will hopefully help keep me more accountable. If nothing else, when I’m twitching for a cigarette and/or a drink, I can keep my hands busy by typing on here, right? ๐Ÿ™‚

Day 2 – are there supportive spouses?

It feels weird writing “day 1, day 2..” when it has been the better part of the last 5 weeks that I haven’t been drinking or smoking. However, the past 5 weeks looked more like this:

2 weeks sober & smokeless (this included 2 flights, 2 birthday dinners, Thanksgiving family dinner, and lots of other triggers)
1 day relapse (this was a “planned” relapse for me – an evening where the boyfriend was out, where I “rewarded” myself for being so good the past 2 weeks)
3 days sober & smokeless
1 day relapse
1 week sober & smokeless (this included a 50th birthday party with our large group of heavy drinker friends and the boyfriend getting completely smashed and mad at me for not drinking *sigh*)
1 week relapse (this included 3 flights, one of which I didn’t drink on, a road trip by myself, and a few evenings out in a new city where the boyfriend ordered drinks for me and I thought that I could do it as it was in a new, different setting. Out of that whole week, only one evening was a write off and that was the first day of the week, after I dropped the boyfriend off at the airport and I could go home, smoke and drink away the anger and resentment towards him that had built up over the past week sober.)
Two nights ago, the night before my “day 1” was only one glass of wine – the remnants of a bottle that I had amazingly not drained and I had hidden away. I was by myself that night and it was a sad farewell to that familiar taste and smell, and a promise to myself that I can and will do this journey. That “one glass” was in itself a huge, huge step for me, as was the “only a couple of drinks an evening” the week before.

On the evening that my boyfriend got smashed and mad at me, I had told him that I was going to do this. That I wasn’t just “quitting drinking while I quit smoking because drinking was a trigger for smoking for me” as I have been telling everyone, but that I needed, NEEDED to quit drinking, and that I have known for a long time that my drinking was a problem. Oh, he knows it was too, but he is the type that likes to tell people how they should be doing something – “you should quit smoking cold turkey, I don’t know why you need to go on the patch. Just quit cold turkey”, “You don’t need to quit drinking, you just need to cut back. Limit yourself to one or two drinks” and when I stayed firm on what I had to do, and how I was going to do it then it turned into a pity party for him “What about me? I guess you expect ME to quit drinking!” (No, I said, I don’t.), “Why can’t you just limit yourself – I want to be able to make dinner together while you have a glass of wine and I have a beer” (I can’t limit myself, I told him, not to mention that we have never done that anyway?). It went on, his little pity party and his attempting to reason with me and explain to me why I should keep drinking in moderation, to benefit him or to appease him; I’m not sure which. It was then that I made another promise to myself – I will give him one year. I’m going to assume that the way he’s behaving is a knee jerk reaction to something that feels beyond his control. He’s probably scared – he knows me as mainly aย  happy, funny drunk who has been drunk pretty much every single night of the 2 1/2 yrs that we have been together. He also though, has not been there for me for anything that I’ve been through over the past few years. The death of my father? I paid for his trip out west with me for the funeral and he spent the entire time texting his ex wife telling her how beautiful she was. When my niece was diagnosed with cancer? He wasn’t there for me. Ex wife issues again. Time and again, over and over… it was so much easier for me to withdraw, drink, forget for the evening what I was going through. Time and again, over and over.