When I was drinking heavily, my conversations and interactions (even when sober) were a lot different than they are now. Half the time I don’t think I was really even paying attention during conversations – just nodding or throwing in the odd “mmhmmm”, “oh really?” or “hmm!” here and there. I had LOTS of conversations that I don’t even remember or only remember bits and pieces of. I lost count of the number of times I’d look at my phone in the morning and exhale with “Oh shit… I talked to my mom/sister/friend last night?? FOR AN HOUR?!!” and wonder what on earth we talked about and if my end of the conversation even made any sense. I’d be cringing every time the phone rang or beeped all day in case it was the person I had “talked to” the evening before, calling to tell me what embarrassing or awful things I had said. That rarely if ever happened. Did they even know I was drunk? They must have. Once in a while I’d get an email from my mom saying “I really enjoyed our conversation last night” and I’d be thinking “What was it about??!” Apparently I really liked to call people when I was drunk, sheesh.
While trying to escape my life by hiding behind the glass, I missed out on a lot of things that could have held some really great memories, and I got a very real eye-opener to that on Sunday.
Sunday afternoon I had all 3 of my kids and the significant others of the two oldest ones at my house for dinner, and it was great. In the past I would have had a glass or two in the early afternoon before they arrived while I was preparing the food, then more after they arrived, more with dinner and after dinner and would have been pretty tipsy by dessert with everyone (except the youngest who lives with me half time) leaving shortly after that. This Sunday I was SO present and sober and we all had such a great visit, the food was wonderful and the company even more so. The kids all hung around and chatted after dinner and as I mentioned in my Monday post I got some great news. So this is my really great news! I’m going to be a grandmother! My oldest son and his girlfriend are expecting. They’re both in their twenties which seems so young to me even though I had him when I was a (naughty) teenager. They just bought a house together earlier this year and they’re settled down with decent jobs. They’ve been together about 4 yrs. I am SO happy for them! And excited. And of course, nervous for them because they just seem so young! It also took me a day to actually process it haha. The thing is though, if this had happened 2 months ago I would have woken up the next morning wondering “did they actually tell me that, or was it a dream? What did I say? Did I slip and phone anyone else to tell them the news? (It’s a secret til Christmas) Did they tell me the due date or anything else about dr’s appointments or if they’re finding out if they’re having a boy or girl?” I REMEMBER every single minute of that conversation. I REMEMBER the look on their faces when they told me, and the look on everyone’s face, and the conversation afterwards, AND the due date, and THAT has made every hard, frustrating, scary day since I quit drinking 1000% worth it.