I’m sober, not boring

I have struggled a lot since I quit drinking 241 days ago. Struggled to deal with my wild emotions, struggled to try to fit in and not feel left out, struggled with cravings and sadness and loneliness and just so many things, even rashes and skin irritations and extra body weight that absolutely refuses to give up camp no matter what I do.

I made a new friend recently, someone who “gets me” – who has the same quirky sense of humour and love of adventure. Someone who is super easy to talk to and laugh with and has just been a breath of fresh air or ray of sunshine in my little life the past few weeks. I’ve always had a very close circle of friends (ie only a few), and part of my struggle since quitting drinking is that they all just don’t get it. They’re nice, they try to be supportive, but they make a big deal about it. It always gets brought up or worked into the conversation like I’m something that they need to poke a stick at and discuss what to do with. Life at home has been pretty much hell on earth for me and has added immensely to the feelings of loneliness these past 8 months. My new friend doesn’t need alcohol to be friendly and outgoing and super duper funny, they may only drink one drink the entire night once a week, if that. I feel SO relaxed and more myself around them than I have in a long, long time, and I am absolutely terrified I’m going to ruin it. I ruined a lot of friendships (and relationships) when I was drinking. Not even fights, just people getting tired of putting up with my sh*t and slowly drifting away. I have that feeling now like “oh godddd what if I do something? What if I scare them away? Be myself? I’m still learning what that is!” I am just enjoying it day by day. That’s all we have I guess.

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Break

I have been meaning to get in here to post but I’ve been swamped at work since I got back from my trip. I had an AMAZING time in the Yukon & Alaska. Amazing. It was so peaceful, scenic, beautiful… I just felt so… peaceful, energized and happy.

I did a LOT of driving and exploring and sightseeing. I took about 800 pictures!! I went for a horseback ride which was really nice (mainly really nice because the horses sense grizzly bears and won’t go near them and can run away from bears faster than I can!)

The food is incredible. Every single place I ate at, the food was amazing. Maybe it was all of that fresh air that made everything taste better, or maybe it was the fact that they have lots of time to try new recipes over the winter months. Or maybe they are all just extremely talented chefs and bakers up there.

And I didn’t drink. I was worried about it heading into the trip. Airports and airplanes have always been drinking places for me. I’ve always bought several bottles of wine to have in my hotel room. I knew (or thought anyway!) that I was going to be with a group of drinkers for the majority of the time there.

The BEST part? I found this amazing store in Whitehorse called Riverside Grocery that was fully stocked with the best selection of non-alcoholic drinks I have ever seen ANYWHERE! Actually they had the best selection of a lot of different things – honey, teas, chocolate, you name it. Fabulous. I spent a lot of money there but it was totally completely worth it.

Going out with the group for dinners caused me a little anxiety beforehand but it was fine! No one even really noticed. The last night, everyone went to a bar to socialize and I decided to go for a little while. I caught the waitress as I sat down and asked her if she could get the bartender to make me a non alcoholic drink that looked fun and wouldn’t stand out as being N/A. She made a virgin mojito. I know that some people who have quit drinking don’t like ordering those kinds of drinks (and I had my own close call a few months ago), but I just feel like I’m not out of place when I have one in my hand. Not that I AM even out of place, because no one really notices when you’re not drinking, unless it’s water. Realistically it’s their issue if they’re going to make an issue out of you not drinking, right? Anyway… I actually had the best time. I had so much fun and we had so many laughs and I stayed as late as everyone else, which is something that I haven’t even done here in months.

232 days. No booze, no smokes. The other day I looked at it and thought “holy crow, I only have like 130 days or so to get to a year… wow…”