I didn’t get sober to sit on the couch.

Today marks 274 days (or 9 months + one day) that I am clean, sober and smoke free.

Lately I have been feeling better – more alive, happier, peaceful, inquisitive, and full of gratitude than I have in a long, long time. It feels so weird that I’m at 274 days already, less than 100 to go until a full year! The first 100 days dragged… and I mean DRAGGED by. Also – I turn 44 in a few weeks, and that also feels weird that I’m already almost 44.

I think that a HUGE part of feeling so good lately is that I have been really active. Like super, chubby butt jiggling active. I try to start every day off with a run on the treadmill, usually only for 20-30 mins but enough to work up a sweat. I have to do this in the morning before work because if I try to do it at night instead I procrastinate and make excuses and more excuses and then I don’t do it. I’m also trying to get out for a bike ride or walk on my lunch break, and another walk in the evening. Weekend hikes and exploring, and really taking the time to ooo and ahhh over my surroundings and LOOK for beauty around me (sounds silly but it has really changed my mindset!)

My weekend hikes and exploring has exploded to new levels lately and I am honestly loving it. I’m going out again this weekend with a friend, to a place that’s about 3 hours away and we may even go canoeing too. I have gone from pushing myself to do some small active thing every day to squirming around in my seat at work just wanting to get outside and play in nature. Or more truthfully, I have gone from counting down the minutes til I can buy a bottle of wine on the way home to drink while sitting on the couch watching tv all night to squirming around in my seat at work thinking about nature and adventure and exploring.

The downside is that the person who I live with, is not happy and adventurous and full of life and positive energy. This is an ongoing internal battle for me because when I’m around him, I feel myself retreating and putting up the walls and looking for escape. The escape that I used to find in a bottle or by getting high. I go on these fantastic little adventures and day trips and hikes and come home to an angry, negative force who is usually sitting on the couch drinking a beer or storming around the house pissed off about something. I ask him how his day was and it’s always something negative. Always. He’s always angry at someone or something and it’s pretty rare actually that he will even ask me how my day was. If he does, he’s already blocking me out and distracted by about one sentence into my answer. The funny part is that he has been like that from the day that we got together and I always made excuses up for him, and then I started accepting it as just who he was, and then it started bothering me to the point that I would drink sooner in the day and more often so that I didn’t have to deal with it, but now I feel guilty that it bothers me. He chooses to be negative and angry. I chose 274 days ago to make changes in my life that have led me on some great adventures and given me an escape from that, even if they are temporary little escapes. Who knows what the next few months will bring ❤

You know what I don’t miss?

I’m at 260 days, and that seems insane to me. I never thought I’d make it past day 3, and then couldn’t believe that I made it to 20 days, and wow, 100 days came and went and I kept on going and I was so, so, sooo proud of myself. It hasn’t been easy, but it has gotten easier, especially now that I am staying active and getting nature therapy as often as I can and pretty much avoiding the man who’s house I live in. The more I’m enjoying life and having fun and doing my own thing, the more angry he gets towards me (and why wouldn’t he?). Lately I’ve been reminiscing about how easy it was to escape the feelings of hurt and frustration and sadness by drinking myself into blackouts. I don’t feel like I’m romanticizing what it was like when I was drinking, but I do have to keep reminding myself about the things that I DON’T miss about it. I do not ever want to jump down that rabbit hole again. I can’t.

  • Damage control the morning after. That sinking feeling when I woke up “oh god, who did I text? or call? Did I go on facebook? How do I check for comments I made on instagram?”
  • Hiding it. Hiding it all the time – wine bottles stashed around the house. Empty wine bottles in the trunk of my car so that I could drop them off in recycling bins in other places. Wine in to-go cups. Wine in travel mugs. Wine in my water bottle while I was running on the treadmill (seriously!!)!
  • how embarrassed I was on recycling day, and trying to hide the bottles under the other recycling, or just buy boxes of wine but then I’d also have bottles too because…
  • The PLANNING involved, especially if there was an activity or event. How much can I drink before we leave to get a buzz going and feel comfortable? Got to make sure that there is a bottle of wine or two for when I get home!
  • The hangovers and wasted weekends
  • The being late and feeling like shit at work Fridays (and other days of the week  most of the time too)
  • Lying to my kids “I’m just tired. I’m just tired and I didn’t eat much today, so that ONE GLASS of wine hit me really hard”
  • Ordering a glass of wine AS SOON as I got to a meeting place/ restaurant etc with my friends because I didn’t want them to smell it on my breath that I had already been drinking
  • Blackouts. The embarrassing stories I heard and the ones that I worried about that I didn’t hear. Not even wanting to ask, because I dreaded the answer so much about what I had done the night before
  • The things and events and moments that I missed. The ones that I don’t remember.
  • Not BEING THERE for friends, family if/when they needed me.
  • Being so wrapped up in myself and making it all about me. *I* had a tough day. *I* just needed to relax. *I* deserved to let loose…
  • All of the excuses! All of the excuses…. 😦

Yikes, when I read that list over I just cringe. It almost feels like I’m writing about a completely different person 😦

Oh Canada! Happy day!

I live on the Canadian prairies and yesterday was Canada day! As it is also Canada 150, there were lots of extra little things going on too. 

One of those extra special little things is that I’m now a grandma to a beautiful little boy! He was 2 weeks late and almost 10lbs! 

The labor was very long and ended in emergency c-section, and I stayed for all of it. The other side grandfather who I was sitting with most of the time slipped home a few times to “calm his nerves”. When the choice was made to go with a c-section, both of the other grandparents took off for home to “relax”. It was another moment where I was so happy that I’m not drinking any more. I stayed at the hospital. I was there when he entered the world and I was there when my son came out to share the news and I got to see, unfiltered, the look of pure pride and joy on his face. I got to share so many moments of it with my sisters and mom and happy new friend via phone & text. Thank goodness for modern technology, it sure can make times like that feel less lonely. 

The thought of drinking has been on my mind a lot lately. Thankfully it hasn’t been strong urges, but it feels like it’s just there lurking. I’m battling intense feelings of loneliness lately and I just want to curl up and withdraw from the world. I know that this is due to the situation at home and what I’m dealing with there, so I’m fighting this by getting out and hiking, walking and being honest with a few friends about what is going on and the behaviour I’m dealing with. 

Happy Canada day to my fellow Canadians! Hope you all had a safe, fun and wonderful day yesterday.🇨🇦❤️🇨🇦