These thoughts; they are a swirlin’

I guess it has been a while since I have written on here – 20 days to be exact, which seems mind boggling to me.

At the end of September (and into the beginning of October), I took my first sober trip to Vegas. Ahhh I love Vegas. I’m not a gambler so my trips to Vegas always consisted of exploring and people watching and drinking. Lots of drinking. This trip consisted of exploring and people watching and a night in Boulder City and a road trip to Death Valley, hiking all over the place, people watching and more exploring and more hiking and more driving and then back to the strip for Sunday October 1st. Yes, I was there that night, but I was walking on the strip by NYNY, heading back to my room at the Mirage when it happened and I had no clue what was going on a few Vegas blocks down from where I was until I woke up the next morning to my phone almost vibrating off the nightstand with all of the texts and phone calls and messages asking if I was ok. My heart breaks for everyone who was impacted by what happened.

During my trip I met up with my adventure partner and I was also lucky enough to meet an awesome blogger, who’s blog was my go-to when planning this trip and who was also amazing enough to give me some tips and pointers that really made the trip great. Seriously, if you want to plan a trip to Vegas and see lots of cools things and see what that amazing city actually has to offer, check out

As far as urges to drink while I was away, I had surprisingly few. My adventure partner, while a drinker, is amazingly supportive and considerate and asked me several times if I was ok, or if there was anything they could do to make it easier. I WAS actually ok. I had a few moments of “boy it would be nice to grab a giant can of beer or one of those slushie drinks and walk the strip” moments but they passed. Being with great company helped that too. Waking up each day and remembering how fun and awesome the day before had been also helped that.

It was AFTER I got back from my trip that I started having a hard time. The recent ex asked me if we could talk, so against my better judgement I met with him. I have tried to keep it as civil and nice as possible. You know – the “we’re just two completely different people and there’s nothing wrong with that, but we just want different things in life, blah blah blah” breakup. It has been so bad for so long and honestly he wasn’t nice before I quit drinking, but he was downright terrible after I quit. When we met to talk, he started off nice and sweet-talking and then said “I don’t expect you to move back in right away, but…” Whoa, wait a minute buddy, I’m NOT moving back in. Once the sweet talking and the cajoling didn’t work, he started trying guilt trips and then the self-pity. I stood my ground though, and started walking back to my car and that’s when he turned angry. I just (I am so proud of myself for this, truly) kept my calm and told him that I’m sorry he feels the way that he does, but that I also don’t deserve to be talked to that way. And then I left. And then I ignored phone calls from him and turned down an invitation to go for a walk a few days later.

The last week or so my anxieties are through the roof, I’ve been fighting off waves of bad moods, and I feel like I’m fighting a huge battle in my mind trying to figure out WHY I’m feeling as down, as sad, as angry, as frustrated and as anxious as I am. Of course, after writing out this post and reading through some of my past posts over the past year I can sort of figure out why haha. I am 356 days clean, sober and smoke free today and I am truly thankful for that. I have been reminding myself over and over the past few week of how things would be different if I started drinking again. I’d be effing up so much good that I have going on in my life right now. This is just a phase (I don’t think that’s the word I’m looking for, but it will do).

Also, when I was in Vegas I went to a Speakeasy, which is something that I really wanted to do when I was still drinking and I found one near Fremont that you actually have to text and make an appointment to get in to. Considering what a speakeasy actually originated from, I felt a little funny asking for a N/A drink (the mixologist was a little taken-aback about it I think, but I said I had no problem paying the full price for the drink. He made me an EXCEPTIONAL ginger drink. I mean it was absolutely fantastic). And then I thought that it would be kind of neat and fun to have Teetotaler versions of Speakeasy’s. The whole ambiance in them is cool and laid back. I’d totally go to something like that to hang out in a funky place with other non-drinkers, with super awesome N/A drinks and no alcohol in sight or on the menu!


  1. ainsobriety · October 16, 2017

    Awesome. You don’t need crap like that. Good job laying down your boundaries.

    I find sometimes in the letdown of the excitement of a trip or event that I become shakier. I questions myself more.
    I think it’s just being tired and over stimulated!

    I’m so glad you were safe. We were in vegas the weekend before and even that seems chilling.


    Liked by 3 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · October 16, 2017

      Thanks Anne!
      Laying down my boundaries is a big thing for me – I avoid confrontation as much as I can.
      Ooo we almost crossed paths – I got to Vegas on the 27th. Hope you had a fantastic time there 🙂
      I head to Ottawa and Toronto in a few weeks; can’t wait. Hope you have some fun trips or concerts on the itin in the next few months!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Untipsyteacher · October 16, 2017

    Way to go knowing what is important to you!
    You are coming up to a year! Wow! Way to go!
    That’s awesome, and I love having cool drinks made up for me at a place like that!
    I am glad you had a good time, but sorry you were there on the same night.

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · October 18, 2017

      Thanks Wendy! Yes, almost at a year, I honestly can’t believe it, I’m so happy. I was thinking yesterday “whoa, it’s going to be weird going through the holiday season sober… hey wait a second, this is my SECOND holiday season sober! I got this!” 🙂
      We are getting some CRAZY winds here today! Brrr!


  3. soberinvegas · October 16, 2017

    congrats to you for standing your ground with your ex ❤ I am sure that wasn't easy…and good on you for setting boundaries and protecting your heart. I am sure that was not easy. Also…a sober speakeasy sounds AMAZING! oh man I would want to be there all the time! and as far as feeling down…i know. 😦 sometimes we have feelings and we want to control them, and it's hard. I wish I had the answers…sometimes for me the answer is sit in it and allow it to exist, sometimes it's to fight against it. Sometimes it's both. Hope you get feeling better and sending hugs from Vegas ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · October 18, 2017

      Thank you SiV! I have an hour drive to work each way every day so I do a lot of talking to myself and questioning why I’m feeling the feelings sometimes. It helps me to talk it through, even if I get weird looks from some other drivers sometimes. Thank goodness for bluetooth, I can pretend I’m on my phone 😉
      Hope you’re feeling better! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Finding a Sober Miracle · October 17, 2017

    I’ve noticed that people tend to get angry when they realize they can’t manipulate you anymore. They want you to play the same old role because they (secretly) feel superior to you, like they are the stronger person. When you are suddenly not only stronger but willing to stand up for yourself and leave the relationship, their egos are threatened, and they will try to “put you in your place.” I’ve had it happen with friends as well, but as long as I am not drinking, I get to hold on to this sweet self-respect.
    And you’re coming up on a year! Would you ever have believed that to be possible?

    Liked by 3 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · October 18, 2017

      Hi! You’re so right with the behaviour people exhibit when they feel like they’re losing control of the situation.
      YES, I’m so close to a year! I never would have thought that it would be possible. I’m so proud of myself – and remind myself often of what I was like before and how I couldn’t even go 2 whole days without a drink! And how hard those first 3 months were. I am so much happier and at peace now, despite everything going on. I can’t imagine going through all of this if I was still drinking.
      Thank you for dropping by! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Finding a Sober Miracle · October 20, 2017

        I’ve had people turn really nasty when I finally “owned my power.” Drinking makes you unable to defend yourself, and when you wake up, your relationships all get jostled around to finally serve your own best interests. Even the good ones had to go through some adjustments, in my case.
        I’m so glad we’re both still sober! Woo hoo!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. mikeykjr · October 18, 2017

    I went to Vegas by myself a couple years ago but unfortunately, it wasn’t a good experience. Vegas has changed dramatically now focusing on “family entertainment”. If I were to go again, I’ll have to remember the link you posted! I’m glad to hear of your good trip. When I began to read about the ex, I gasp, “Oh no.” I’m glad to learn you established a boundary and kept it. That is one skill I have not mastered but I keep trying. Keep it up! I look forward to congratulating you on your first year of sobriety in the future!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · October 18, 2017

      Thank you so much. I definitely haven’t mastered dealing with setting boundaries. I’m terrible with any type of confrontation but I try really hard these days to not let things escalate and even if my heart feels like it’s going to explode from beating so hard in my chest with nervousness I try to remove myself calmly (on the outside) from the situation. I find that the way I do that is to shoulder the blame or the other person’s anger and just keep saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” Ughh.. then I’m so upset afterwards because I dont’ stand up for myself. Oh well!
      Yes definitely check out soberinvegas’s blog for some great ideas on how to have a sober vegas trip 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hurrahforcoffee · October 22, 2017

    Well done on your year! And of course well done for holding your ground with the man. Relationships trigger us massively don’t they? My marraige is my biggest trigger and teacher. You are doing brilliantly lady! Let yourself feel all the feels. Give them time and space to be. We can’t be happy all the time but we sure as hell can be sober and that helps to get through the shit times so much faster. xxxx


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