Mood swings

Urghhh I think that one of the hardest things to deal with and work through for me are my mood swings. Sometimes they come sliding in swiftly like a landslide, knocking me completely off balance and taking me completely by surprise. Other times it starts off like clouds on the horizon, gentling rolling in and accompanied by soft thunder – a beautiful sunny day changing into something different but not terrible and giving you enough time to prepare for it. Sometimes it’s little things that set it off and sometimes it takes days of letting things slide off my back. Sometimes it is absolutely nothing at all that I can put my finger on. Is this where people’s love of meditation & yoga start? πŸ˜‹

woop!

I made it to 6 months! It was actually a couple of days ago, but I’ve been having a hard time lately so I took some time to myself to go hiking and exploring and get my hair done and take myself out for lunch etc. I took a couple of vacation days to do this but it was so, sooo worth it.

I’ve still been getting up a little earlier in the morning so that I can squeeze in some fasted cardio & work up a sweat for a short 2- minutes. I’ve also jumped on the apple cider vinegar bandwagon – 3 tsps in the morning with some lemon water. It tastes terrible. The first time I had it I was taken back to a time when I was at a friends house and she offered me some leftover wine she had (she’d had it for a while because it was completely vinegary but I drank it anyway because she didn’t have anything else in the house. eep). I have also been drinking Golden Chai tea in the evening with tumeric. I’ve read so many health benefits to both of those and I will say that my knee, which used to get very painful when I was running before has barely beenΒ  bugging me lately. I have also had a lot more energy. My sugar cravings though – still remain super high. I have been experimenting with all sorts of “healthy” recipes (detoxinista.com has some great alternatives to the unhealthy-but-so-sweet-oh-my-god-I-want-to-devour-the-entire-pkg things that I daydream about).

I’m going out to bingo tonight with a couple of girlfriends. There’s one that makes such a big deal about me not drinking – she has to mention it every single *&%$’ing time we’re out and make a big deal about it as everyone else drinks their wine or other beverages. Seriously, just drink your wine and stop saying “Oh, does this bother you?!” before every sip. I think that’s what I find frustrating – that I’m just trying to navigate being around other people in social settings and just trying to enjoy myself, relax and have fun and there always seems to be one person who focuses on the fact that I’m not drinking and makes a big deal about it. Oh well, off I go πŸ™‚

Keeping it calm

Creeping up on 6 months of not smoking or drinking! I’ve noticed that the past week or so I’ve been feeling a lot calmer and happier. Maybe it is the anticipated arrival of Spring (we’re still waiting for it up here in the middle of Canada).

I’ve had a couple of things to deal with lately, that I have actually given myself a mental “hey, you’re handling this a lot better than you would have before!” high-5. The first one is that I have to head to Alaska in a month for a work related thing for a few days. I have never been and decided to extend my trip there to a week so that I could do sightseeing and a few small road trips. I was hoping that my boyfriend would come as well as he has never been there but alas it is not his type of “sit on the beach with drink in hand” vacation so I’m going alone. I tried to talk a girl friend into going but she can’t either. So my flights are booked, and I booked a rental car already and I have been busy planning out my touristy stuff and road trips and I’m SUPER excited about it! I’ve done a bit of solo traveling so it doesn’t bother me too much but…. I do have a little pout on about it. I honestly have never felt this lonely in a relationship EVER. It seems to be exasperated by me quitting drinking and trying to navigate the whole relationship thing while sober, trying to re-explore the whole socializing with people thing, etc. I’m not getting uptight about it though or freaking out. I’m just moving forward, more calmly than I would have when I was drinking.

❀

 

5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days.

I just looked it up on my app because I thought I was getting close to 6 months! Wow… It almost feels a little normal these days haha. I have had a couple of days in the past few weeks where an intense craving has hit me out of the blue, like a little electric jolt. I did however, have a very rude awakening the other night, where I knew without a doubt that if I had still been drinking I would have had a dui. I was driving home from work after an evening meeting, and I came around a corner and there was a speed trap right there. It’s in a section of road where the speed limit is reduced and it’s in a remote area where there is rarely any traffic. I’ve never, ever seen a speed trap set up there. I was actually doing the speed limit because I was happy and relaxed and feeling great about how my meeting had gone. I was enjoying the scenery and wondering if I would see a bear haha. I think the police man was as startled to see me as I was to see him πŸ˜‰ If I was still drinking my day would have gone like this: rush rush all day trying to get everything ready for the meeting last minute, feeling mad, stressed and anxious. Pick up a bottle (or box more likely) of wine in between office hours and meeting. Sneak a drink (or two) to calm my nerves and be able to “focus” on those late minute details along with some liquid courage to make that presentation. Get through the meeting feeling guilty that I hadn’t finished some reports, was behind in other work, didn’t get certain things done on time, etc. Go back to my office afterwards and pour a drink in the travel mug… because there’s never anyone on the road that I travel on and I want a drink and “what’s the difference between having one in my office or sipping it on the way home?“. I would have been focused on getting home, not paying too much attention to the landscape, or the speed limit and bang boom, bye bye license.

I’ve been in here a couple of times to start writing a post lately, I’m really struggling with my emotions lately. I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away… Mainly it’s my mom that I’m having a hard time with. I have always had a rough relationship with her and for years I could only talk to her if I got so pissed drunk that I wouldn’t remember the conversation afterwards (yes, terrible, I know… *sigh*) I just think it’s coming to a head because I have so many different thoughts and emotions bubbling up all over the place and I’m trying to deal with those and along with those are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that stem from my relationship with my mother (Sorry, but when you have a mother who tells you that you ruined her life because she never wanted kids, she hates you, you’re ugly, etc.. it kinda sticks with you and affects you for a few years or lots of years) THANK GOODNESS SHE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY~!! πŸ˜‰  Arggghhh hahaha, mothers!

Terrible horrible cold

I have a terrible, horrible cold and this is my first terrible horrible cold sober. I caught this cold from my boyfriend because he has terrible horrible manners and he has been sick for the past week spreading his gross germs around the house. He also though, has been out drinking almost every night since he’s been sick. I told him today (as he stopped to buy a case of beer while we were out earlier, after announcing that he’s also going out tonight), that even if I was still drinking I don’t think I’d be able to stomach it with this cold. He smugly told me that “a good stiff drink is the cure for colds”. Ugh, actually not even tempted. Hot bath, movies at home and puppy cuddles for me tonight. Any movie recommendations? 😁