You know what I don’t miss?

I’m at 260 days, and that seems insane to me. I never thought I’d make it past day 3, and then couldn’t believe that I made it to 20 days, and wow, 100 days came and went and I kept on going and I was so, so, sooo proud of myself. It hasn’t been easy, but it has gotten easier, especially now that I am staying active and getting nature therapy as often as I can and pretty much avoiding the man who’s house I live in. The more I’m enjoying life and having fun and doing my own thing, the more angry he gets towards me (and why wouldn’t he?). Lately I’ve been reminiscing about how easy it was to escape the feelings of hurt and frustration and sadness by drinking myself into blackouts. I don’t feel like I’m romanticizing what it was like when I was drinking, but I do have to keep reminding myself about the things that I DON’T miss about it. I do not ever want to jump down that rabbit hole again. I can’t.

  • Damage control the morning after. That sinking feeling when I woke up “oh god, who did I text? or call? Did I go on facebook? How do I check for comments I made on instagram?”
  • Hiding it. Hiding it all the time – wine bottles stashed around the house. Empty wine bottles in the trunk of my car so that I could drop them off in recycling bins in other places. Wine in to-go cups. Wine in travel mugs. Wine in my water bottle while I was running on the treadmill (seriously!!)!
  • how embarrassed I was on recycling day, and trying to hide the bottles under the other recycling, or just buy boxes of wine but then I’d also have bottles too because…
  • The PLANNING involved, especially if there was an activity or event. How much can I drink before we leave to get a buzz going and feel comfortable? Got to make sure that there is a bottle of wine or two for when I get home!
  • The hangovers and wasted weekends
  • The being late and feeling like shit at work Fridays (and other days of the week  most of the time too)
  • Lying to my kids “I’m just tired. I’m just tired and I didn’t eat much today, so that ONE GLASS of wine hit me really hard”
  • Ordering a glass of wine AS SOON as I got to a meeting place/ restaurant etc with my friends because I didn’t want them to smell it on my breath that I had already been drinking
  • Blackouts. The embarrassing stories I heard and the ones that I worried about that I didn’t hear. Not even wanting to ask, because I dreaded the answer so much about what I had done the night before
  • The things and events and moments that I missed. The ones that I don’t remember.
  • Not BEING THERE for friends, family if/when they needed me.
  • Being so wrapped up in myself and making it all about me. *I* had a tough day. *I* just needed to relax. *I* deserved to let loose…
  • All of the excuses! All of the excuses…. 😦

Yikes, when I read that list over I just cringe. It almost feels like I’m writing about a completely different person 😦

Advertisements

Oh Canada! Happy day!

I live on the Canadian prairies and yesterday was Canada day! As it is also Canada 150, there were lots of extra little things going on too. 

One of those extra special little things is that I’m now a grandma to a beautiful little boy! He was 2 weeks late and almost 10lbs! 

The labor was very long and ended in emergency c-section, and I stayed for all of it. The other side grandfather who I was sitting with most of the time slipped home a few times to “calm his nerves”. When the choice was made to go with a c-section, both of the other grandparents took off for home to “relax”. It was another moment where I was so happy that I’m not drinking any more. I stayed at the hospital. I was there when he entered the world and I was there when my son came out to share the news and I got to see, unfiltered, the look of pure pride and joy on his face. I got to share so many moments of it with my sisters and mom and happy new friend via phone & text. Thank goodness for modern technology, it sure can make times like that feel less lonely. 

The thought of drinking has been on my mind a lot lately. Thankfully it hasn’t been strong urges, but it feels like it’s just there lurking. I’m battling intense feelings of loneliness lately and I just want to curl up and withdraw from the world. I know that this is due to the situation at home and what I’m dealing with there, so I’m fighting this by getting out and hiking, walking and being honest with a few friends about what is going on and the behaviour I’m dealing with. 

Happy Canada day to my fellow Canadians! Hope you all had a safe, fun and wonderful day yesterday.🇨🇦❤️🇨🇦

I’m sober, not boring

I have struggled a lot since I quit drinking 241 days ago. Struggled to deal with my wild emotions, struggled to try to fit in and not feel left out, struggled with cravings and sadness and loneliness and just so many things, even rashes and skin irritations and extra body weight that absolutely refuses to give up camp no matter what I do.

I made a new friend recently, someone who “gets me” – who has the same quirky sense of humour and love of adventure. Someone who is super easy to talk to and laugh with and has just been a breath of fresh air or ray of sunshine in my little life the past few weeks. I’ve always had a very close circle of friends (ie only a few), and part of my struggle since quitting drinking is that they all just don’t get it. They’re nice, they try to be supportive, but they make a big deal about it. It always gets brought up or worked into the conversation like I’m something that they need to poke a stick at and discuss what to do with. Life at home has been pretty much hell on earth for me and has added immensely to the feelings of loneliness these past 8 months. My new friend doesn’t need alcohol to be friendly and outgoing and super duper funny, they may only drink one drink the entire night once a week, if that. I feel SO relaxed and more myself around them than I have in a long, long time, and I am absolutely terrified I’m going to ruin it. I ruined a lot of friendships (and relationships) when I was drinking. Not even fights, just people getting tired of putting up with my sh*t and slowly drifting away. I have that feeling now like “oh godddd what if I do something? What if I scare them away? Be myself? I’m still learning what that is!” I am just enjoying it day by day. That’s all we have I guess.

Break

I have been meaning to get in here to post but I’ve been swamped at work since I got back from my trip. I had an AMAZING time in the Yukon & Alaska. Amazing. It was so peaceful, scenic, beautiful… I just felt so… peaceful, energized and happy.

I did a LOT of driving and exploring and sightseeing. I took about 800 pictures!! I went for a horseback ride which was really nice (mainly really nice because the horses sense grizzly bears and won’t go near them and can run away from bears faster than I can!)

The food is incredible. Every single place I ate at, the food was amazing. Maybe it was all of that fresh air that made everything taste better, or maybe it was the fact that they have lots of time to try new recipes over the winter months. Or maybe they are all just extremely talented chefs and bakers up there.

And I didn’t drink. I was worried about it heading into the trip. Airports and airplanes have always been drinking places for me. I’ve always bought several bottles of wine to have in my hotel room. I knew (or thought anyway!) that I was going to be with a group of drinkers for the majority of the time there.

The BEST part? I found this amazing store in Whitehorse called Riverside Grocery that was fully stocked with the best selection of non-alcoholic drinks I have ever seen ANYWHERE! Actually they had the best selection of a lot of different things – honey, teas, chocolate, you name it. Fabulous. I spent a lot of money there but it was totally completely worth it.

Going out with the group for dinners caused me a little anxiety beforehand but it was fine! No one even really noticed. The last night, everyone went to a bar to socialize and I decided to go for a little while. I caught the waitress as I sat down and asked her if she could get the bartender to make me a non alcoholic drink that looked fun and wouldn’t stand out as being N/A. She made a virgin mojito. I know that some people who have quit drinking don’t like ordering those kinds of drinks (and I had my own close call a few months ago), but I just feel like I’m not out of place when I have one in my hand. Not that I AM even out of place, because no one really notices when you’re not drinking, unless it’s water. Realistically it’s their issue if they’re going to make an issue out of you not drinking, right? Anyway… I actually had the best time. I had so much fun and we had so many laughs and I stayed as late as everyone else, which is something that I haven’t even done here in months.

232 days. No booze, no smokes. The other day I looked at it and thought “holy crow, I only have like 130 days or so to get to a year… wow…”

Differences magnified

Just checking in as this feels like my safe space lately. I love popping on here and reading updates on everyone, even when I don’t have much to say myself. I feel like I’m fighting my way though the struggles that I have been going through the past few months, and it’s a good feeling.

Work is so busy lately and that’s intensified a bit as I have to get a lot done before I head up to Alaska. I honestly CAN’T WAIT to get away, things are going pretty badly with my boyfriend lately and I need the space. I feel like I’m constantly on edge around him and can’t say or do anything right. Drinking is a big part of his life along with the socializing part of drinking and he has been freaking out on me lately for not joining in with him and his drinking buddies. I just have absolutely zero desire to listen to them all get drunk and talk about the same old things that they talk about every single week. If I try to talk about anything I get shot down or talked over. Honestly the only reason I go sometimes is to get some affection from my boyfriend because unless he’s with his friends, in a crowd and drinking, he is completely unaffectionate. No hugs, no kisses, no hand on the back or shoulder, no “I love you”s, no cuddling, no arm around the waist and even no compliments. Well the odd occasional half hearted compliment here or there and that’s it. It has always been like that with him for the 3 years that we’ve been together, but when I was still drinking I’d just obnoxiously push myself on him or cuddle up to him, because boundaries were non existent for me when I was drunk and apparently I’m an asshole that way. I’d also be the one initiating sex most of the time and now that has also come to a standstill. I’m in my early 40’s and this is excruciating for me. I feel like I’m withering away or something ohhh my goddd *insert big dramatic sigh here* (ok, that’s an exaggeration, but I do feel lonely right to the very core of my being). He was happy when I was giving backrubs and footrubs and paying him constant compliments and helping him out with odd jobs and being his sidekick and going to parties or the bar/lounge etc etc, but there was never anything reciprocated. That (to me anyway) isn’t a relationship.

Behind it all though, I’m sitting here wondering if it’s me. Am I too busy trying to find myself that I’m not paying enough attention to him and that’s why I feel this way? Am I being selfish for putting myself first here and craving affection and compliments? Once I get a full grasp on sobriety and feel comfortable in my skin and more comfortable being around his drinking buddies again will it change the dynamics in our relationship again? He’s not a bad person, he’s just different than me, and those differences are being even more magnified now that I’m sober and he’s still drinking. Maybe he is also feeling that our differences are more magnified now and he’s having a hard time dealing with that. Who knows…

Bed it is then

I am at 199 days sober and cigarette free today. I’m also curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself or something. My mood swings this week have been crazy and I am emotionally drained. I think it’s from Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, my emotional turmoil with my own mother and the insane deep seated fear I have of being like her. I have told myself over and over this week that I’m NOT like her. The house is an absolute disaster from doing some minor renos and I should be cleaning or painting or at least making the house somewhat presentable for when the kids come over tomorrow for Mother’s Day brunch. 

Happy Friday?