Keeping it calm

Creeping up on 6 months of not smoking or drinking! I’ve noticed that the past week or so I’ve been feeling a lot calmer and happier. Maybe it is the anticipated arrival of Spring (we’re still waiting for it up here in the middle of Canada).

I’ve had a couple of things to deal with lately, that I have actually given myself a mental “hey, you’re handling this a lot better than you would have before!” high-5. The first one is that I have to head to Alaska in a month for a work related thing for a few days. I have never been and decided to extend my trip there to a week so that I could do sightseeing and a few small road trips. I was hoping that my boyfriend would come as well as he has never been there but alas it is not his type of “sit on the beach with drink in hand” vacation so I’m going alone. I tried to talk a girl friend into going but she can’t either. So my flights are booked, and I booked a rental car already and I have been busy planning out my touristy stuff and road trips and I’m SUPER excited about it! I’ve done a bit of solo traveling so it doesn’t bother me too much but…. I do have a little pout on about it. I honestly have never felt this lonely in a relationship EVER. It seems to be exasperated by me quitting drinking and trying to navigate the whole relationship thing while sober, trying to re-explore the whole socializing with people thing, etc. I’m not getting uptight about it though or freaking out. I’m just moving forward, more calmly than I would have when I was drinking.

 

5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days.

I just looked it up on my app because I thought I was getting close to 6 months! Wow… It almost feels a little normal these days haha. I have had a couple of days in the past few weeks where an intense craving has hit me out of the blue, like a little electric jolt. I did however, have a very rude awakening the other night, where I knew without a doubt that if I had still been drinking I would have had a dui. I was driving home from work after an evening meeting, and I came around a corner and there was a speed trap right there. It’s in a section of road where the speed limit is reduced and it’s in a remote area where there is rarely any traffic. I’ve never, ever seen a speed trap set up there. I was actually doing the speed limit because I was happy and relaxed and feeling great about how my meeting had gone. I was enjoying the scenery and wondering if I would see a bear haha. I think the police man was as startled to see me as I was to see him 😉 If I was still drinking my day would have gone like this: rush rush all day trying to get everything ready for the meeting last minute, feeling mad, stressed and anxious. Pick up a bottle (or box more likely) of wine in between office hours and meeting. Sneak a drink (or two) to calm my nerves and be able to “focus” on those late minute details along with some liquid courage to make that presentation. Get through the meeting feeling guilty that I hadn’t finished some reports, was behind in other work, didn’t get certain things done on time, etc. Go back to my office afterwards and pour a drink in the travel mug… because there’s never anyone on the road that I travel on and I want a drink and “what’s the difference between having one in my office or sipping it on the way home?“. I would have been focused on getting home, not paying too much attention to the landscape, or the speed limit and bang boom, bye bye license.

I’ve been in here a couple of times to start writing a post lately, I’m really struggling with my emotions lately. I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away… Mainly it’s my mom that I’m having a hard time with. I have always had a rough relationship with her and for years I could only talk to her if I got so pissed drunk that I wouldn’t remember the conversation afterwards (yes, terrible, I know… *sigh*) I just think it’s coming to a head because I have so many different thoughts and emotions bubbling up all over the place and I’m trying to deal with those and along with those are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that stem from my relationship with my mother (Sorry, but when you have a mother who tells you that you ruined her life because she never wanted kids, she hates you, you’re ugly, etc.. it kinda sticks with you and affects you for a few years or lots of years) THANK GOODNESS SHE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY~!! 😉  Arggghhh hahaha, mothers!

Terrible horrible cold

I have a terrible, horrible cold and this is my first terrible horrible cold sober. I caught this cold from my boyfriend because he has terrible horrible manners and he has been sick for the past week spreading his gross germs around the house. He also though, has been out drinking almost every night since he’s been sick. I told him today (as he stopped to buy a case of beer while we were out earlier, after announcing that he’s also going out tonight), that even if I was still drinking I don’t think I’d be able to stomach it with this cold. He smugly told me that “a good stiff drink is the cure for colds”. Ugh, actually not even tempted. Hot bath, movies at home and puppy cuddles for me tonight. Any movie recommendations? 😁

Midnight silent disco yoga

I was just reading this article:

millennials-hoping-to-find-real-connections-ban-the-booze

And I thought I would share it for those of you who haven’t heard about these events! They sound really cool and interesting and N/A (!!). I have never heard about them before. I think I’d actually travel for some of The Shine’s events, they sound really interesting and tickets are only $30.

PS the Midnight silent disco yoga is a real thing – Outdoor Yoga SF holds them.

Beverage fridge

I think I can honestly say that this is a little part of the reason I’ve been able to stay sober – a full selection of cold assorted drinks readily at hand. My “tea cupboard” is pretty similar – large assortment of teas, coffees and hot chocolates. You should see the expression on guests faces when I fling the door open on that little fridge. “Can’t offer you a beer, but would you like a coconut water? Non alcoholic ginger beer? Flavoured water? A sparkling fruit drink?” Hahaha. Woouulllddd ya prefer something hot instead?! 😁

Razzzz

I think I found my summer drink. A raspberry mojito mocktail. I had one at a restaurant last night and it was delicious. It didn’t even really bother me that while I was drinking it other people at our table were commenting on how good it looked but that it needed rum or vodka or both. I couldn’t even imagine it with anything alcoholic in it, I was just envisioning sipping on it while sitting outside in the hot sun, listening to the birds chirp, lol.

It was made with mint, crushed raspberries and chunks of lime, and lots of ice. And sparkling water. It was topped off with a slice of lime and a sprig of mint, and it was heaven in my mouth and beautiful to look at. I do like raspberries though, I think that they’re my favourite fruit. I bet that strawberries or blackberries would also be fabulous in this too.

I used to joke about how growing up with parents who forced me to drink Buckley’s syrup set me up for being able to drink anything and take shots of any alcohol straight up. Ran out of stuff to mix vodka with? Noooo problem, I’ll just drink it straight up. Oh, you think your wine might be a little off? Nooo problem, I’ll drink it anyway and make fun of you for having leftover wine that even has a chance to start turning to vinegar.

In sobriety this has changed though into really, really appreciating and savouring different drinks and flavours. Good coffee, gingery gingerales, tangy citrus, some of the  awesome natural root beers, drinks like the raspberry mojito mocktail…. And even just sparkling waters. I drink a lot of water too, but even that I find that I fruit infuse (latest fave is pineapple & mint)

Hope everyone s having a great weekend! Lazy Sunday here ❤

It goes on

Checking in at 150 days. Having a hard time the last few weeks, feeling sullen and angry.  Mostly angry at the boyfriend as his drinking has ramped up lately (or so it feels like) and other friends who seem to have the “oh really? You’re still not drinking?” Attitude. Honestly I don’t know why it bothers me. I think it’s because I just want to go and do different things and have fun and the boyfriend can’t seem to even comprehend a simple vacation unless it includes a group of his drinking buddies. He cancelled our planned trip to vegas with some bullshit excuse. 

So I have been spending time by myself and meeting up with my kids as often as I can. I’m pampering myself and giving myself lots of self love. I’m renting chick flicks and watching them by myself. I can’t wait for the weather to improve here so I can get out more. It’s starting to feel like spring sort of. I’m going to try to go on some weekend road trips and I have a trip up north coming up in 2 months.

Still sober and for that I’m grateful.