Differences magnified

Just checking in as this feels like my safe space lately. I love popping on here and reading updates on everyone, even when I don’t have much to say myself. I feel like I’m fighting my way though the struggles that I have been going through the past few months, and it’s a good feeling.

Work is so busy lately and that’s intensified a bit as I have to get a lot done before I head up to Alaska. I honestly CAN’T WAIT to get away, things are going pretty badly with my boyfriend lately and I need the space. I feel like I’m constantly on edge around him and can’t say or do anything right. Drinking is a big part of his life along with the socializing part of drinking and he has been freaking out on me lately for not joining in with him and his drinking buddies. I just have absolutely zero desire to listen to them all get drunk and talk about the same old things that they talk about every single week. If I try to talk about anything I get shot down or talked over. Honestly the only reason I go sometimes is to get some affection from my boyfriend because unless he’s with his friends, in a crowd and drinking, he is completely unaffectionate. No hugs, no kisses, no hand on the back or shoulder, no “I love you”s, no cuddling, no arm around the waist and even no compliments. Well the odd occasional half hearted compliment here or there and that’s it. It has always been like that with him for the 3 years that we’ve been together, but when I was still drinking I’d just obnoxiously push myself on him or cuddle up to him, because boundaries were non existent for me when I was drunk and apparently I’m an asshole that way. I’d also be the one initiating sex most of the time and now that has also come to a standstill. I’m in my early 40’s and this is excruciating for me. I feel like I’m withering away or something ohhh my goddd *insert big dramatic sigh here* (ok, that’s an exaggeration, but I do feel lonely right to the very core of my being). He was happy when I was giving backrubs and footrubs and paying him constant compliments and helping him out with odd jobs and being his sidekick and going to parties or the bar/lounge etc etc, but there was never anything reciprocated. That (to me anyway) isn’t a relationship.

Behind it all though, I’m sitting here wondering if it’s me. Am I too busy trying to find myself that I’m not paying enough attention to him and that’s why I feel this way? Am I being selfish for putting myself first here and craving affection and compliments? Once I get a full grasp on sobriety and feel comfortable in my skin and more comfortable being around his drinking buddies again will it change the dynamics in our relationship again? He’s not a bad person, he’s just different than me, and those differences are being even more magnified now that I’m sober and he’s still drinking. Maybe he is also feeling that our differences are more magnified now and he’s having a hard time dealing with that. Who knows…

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32 comments

  1. tarnishedsoul · May 17

    I am no relationship expert, gawd knows that…
    But I also think there is something to be said about trusting feelings…feelings are not wrong, perceptions might be, but feelings are never wrong…they just are.
    You’re doing much better with sobriety, than not, and you know it…the validation in that is that you are aware that you need boundaries and you are attempting those. Keep the fight going.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Dewy · May 17

    Sometimes all it needs is some space away from each other . Then come back to reassess the situation. Enjoy your time away . I’m pining for my hidey hole.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. bluebird487 · May 17

    I get it – you are feeling all your feelings now, give him some space to catch up and meanwhile keep yourself the top priority. No use ruminating on the past – your perspective has shifted (his may not have evolved) so focus on the present. Sobriety conjures so much internal work – it’s easy to forget that life happens around us – good or bad. You are killing it staying sober – have a great trip and life (for better or for worse) will be there when you return.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. winoholicblog · May 17

    Agreed, you are the number one priority and you’re not being selfish, you’re being mature. Be true to yourself and follow your gut, maybe it’s time for a change.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Paul S · May 17

    Perhaps you are seeing things in a new light. Trusting our intuition and gut was something I pushed away when drinking. Now I embrace it. It’s always right, even when my mind / ego doesn’t want it to be.
    A lot of relationships don’t make it through when one person (or even both) get sober. The sometimes toxic and flimsy foundation built around that relationship when one or both were drinking are fine for a while, but when one or both get sober, things change dramatically. A whole new dynamic happens, and while getting sober is super rock-star stuff, it doesn’t always play out well for some. And that’s sad, but it’s also okay. Change is good most times.
    Anyway, I am not giving advise here, but I am sharing that I know a lot of folks who struggled in their personal relationships when they got sober. I certainly did – had to rebuild trust and all that. Dynamics shifted. But things smoothed out.

    I hope you find the time to take a breather and reassess when you return.

    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 7 people

    • saoirsek · May 18

      Totally agree. Make your sobriety your priority. I found in sobriety I made better decisions as my instincts were alot more trustworthy. You are only responsible for yourself. S x

      Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Paul, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop in and provide some feedback. I’m a firm believer in following your instincts and gut, but I’m also not great at doing that myself. It is something that I have been trying to work on. It is very easy to second guess and doubt ourselves 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Elizabeth · May 17

    You are growing and discovering that life can be so much more. That’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes the question that needs to be explored: “Is this a relationship or a habit?” ❤ and hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hmmm that’s a good question Elizabeth and one that I will ponder out in the Alaskan wilderness 😉
      ❤ and hugs to you as well.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Elizabeth · May 19

        Enjoy- I would love to be that submersed in our natural world.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Hurrahforcoffee · May 18

    You are waking up. That’s what is happening here. You are seeing things as they truly are for the first time. I can very much relate and speak to this. Hubs has pretty much just decided to start drinking again and this has caused an enormous amount of stress for me. I haven’t written a post about it because he knows the address to my blog. We used to be drinking buddies and we’ve also tried to get sober together many times. We are a very bad influence on each other in that respect. Like good little addicts we’ve used each other as an excuse to continue drinking or we would just not really talk about it. Drinking together was ‘our normal’

    This time around I didn’t join him in the relapse and I’ve stood my ground. I’ve also realised that I’ve been settling for extremely poor behaviour and partnership because I was too drunk and confused to really notice what was going on. Now that I’m becoming clearer I’m realising that I’m worth more than that and that I wont put up or tolerate this shit anymore. He very reluctantly agreed to go to counselling but he is still very much in denial about his drinking/drugging problem. I can’t see us having a real and true connection if he is out of it all the time. Now I know our situations are different, so there isn’t really advice in here. I’m just sharing to lighten the load. xxx

    Liked by 10 people

    • ❤ ❤ ❤ THANK YOU. I am so proud of you for not joining your hubs in his relapse, I know how hard it is. I want to cry when I come home after a rough day and there are empty bottles of beer laying around and an open case of beer on the counter. I'm having a hard time dealing with his poor behaviour and what I construe to be selfishness that I just want to avoid it all and do my own thing. Drinking together was our "normal" too, but when I suggest doing other things or doing the same things without drinking (ie sitting out in the gazebo during the evening) he balks and makes a big deal about how it's "not like it used to be" or FREAKS out (yelling and swearing) at me over things like not wanting to go on a quad ride that a group were going on which consisted of a 10 minute ride and several hours sitting in a shack drinking and smoking pot. He's in his 50s and has no interest whatsoever in changing, but would rather sit there playing the victim because "oh boohoo, donna has changed and won't go to the bar or partying or drinking with me anymore and I have to do this stuff all alone" rather than meeting me halfway and doing fun things together on nights that he's not going to the bar. Grrr… sorry… lol. The GOOD thing is that I’m getting my chubby butt in a bit better shape because I’m running/walking a lot more to get out of the house haha!

      Liked by 5 people

      • Untipsyteacher · May 18

        One question to keep in mind is, “Am I better off with him or without him?”
        It’s an old Ann Landers question.
        xo

        Liked by 5 people

      • Hurrahforcoffee · May 19

        Yes there is always a silver lining, wlaking and running away from the house is good excersice I’m also doing more of that these day. Before you know it we’ll be athletes!

        Liked by 5 people

      • There’s a gentleman out here in his late 70’s who started running in his early 50’s and now runs marathons and fun runs etc all over the place so maybe there is hope for me to become somewhat athletic for the first time in my life 😄

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hurrahforcoffee · May 21

        Let’s do it!

        Like

  8. Untipsyteacher · May 18

    I am so glad you are working on your health and your life.
    If you don’t, who will.
    You are getting healthy. The people around you will change for the better or resist.
    Either way, you have to keep growing, learning, traveling, and opening up to life.
    We are here to support you!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Wendy ❤
      I plan on doing lots of traveling and growing, and doing things that scare me. I've already pushed myself a lot these past few months and I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself in situations where I would have backed down and given in before. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It gets harder to paper over the cracks within a relationship when we get sober. I’m feeling this to a degree at the moment, not in any big dramatic way but it’s definitely becoming an issue. I can also reflect that I stayed with my ex for far too many years which in hindsight I can’t believe I did. My big mistake during that relationship was losing my sense of self and allowing myself to be shaped by another person’s opinions and pressure on how I should be. I think that the process of finding/shaping/redefining and just simply loving ourselves as ourselves is such a beautiful, precious thing that we are offered by sobriety, even though it’s so hard at times and may not fit in with our pre-existing life setup before we started the journey. I hope you enjoy your time and space on your trip away. Whatever you end up deciding I hope you find happiness and peace in your decision and kudos to you for standing strong and setting your boundaries x

    Liked by 4 people

  10. talesfrommyliver · May 20

    If making yourself and your sobriety a priority is selfish, then be selfish. I’m a bit biased right now as my marriage recently ended, but darling, feeling lonely in a relationship is no way to live. Life is too short. Thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, and sorry to hear about your marriage ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • talesfrommyliver · May 22

        No worries…I’ve found that by the time people separate, the relationship has long since ended and it’s more of a positive thing to have a new beginning. 🙂

        Like

  11. thesobergarden · May 21

    Wow, what brilliant comments everyone’s offered. It can be overwhelming, can’t it – life. After years and years of developing EXPERT avoidance tactics when it comes to feelings and honesty/self-truth, I find that even though I’m sober now recognising the value of intuition is hard. Acting on it is even harder! (Damn my busy mind and monstrous ego!) Anyhow, I really hope you find the space (and Alaska sounds like the perfect venue for this!) to sit with yourself, look around and take a breather. You are doing so well. Love from The Sober Garden x.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. runawayhappy · May 23

    Enjoy your time in Alaska, and I hope it brings you the answers you are looking for here.

    Liked by 1 person

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