Today marks 274 days (or 9 months + one day) that I am clean, sober and smoke free.
Lately I have been feeling better – more alive, happier, peaceful, inquisitive, and full of gratitude than I have in a long, long time. It feels so weird that I’m at 274 days already, less than 100 to go until a full year! The first 100 days dragged… and I mean DRAGGED by. Also – I turn 44 in a few weeks, and that also feels weird that I’m already almost 44.
I think that a HUGE part of feeling so good lately is that I have been really active. Like super, chubby butt jiggling active. I try to start every day off with a run on the treadmill, usually only for 20-30 mins but enough to work up a sweat. I have to do this in the morning before work because if I try to do it at night instead I procrastinate and make excuses and more excuses and then I don’t do it. I’m also trying to get out for a bike ride or walk on my lunch break, and another walk in the evening. Weekend hikes and exploring, and really taking the time to ooo and ahhh over my surroundings and LOOK for beauty around me (sounds silly but it has really changed my mindset!)
My weekend hikes and exploring has exploded to new levels lately and I am honestly loving it. I’m going out again this weekend with a friend, to a place that’s about 3 hours away and we may even go canoeing too. I have gone from pushing myself to do some small active thing every day to squirming around in my seat at work just wanting to get outside and play in nature. Or more truthfully, I have gone from counting down the minutes til I can buy a bottle of wine on the way home to drink while sitting on the couch watching tv all night to squirming around in my seat at work thinking about nature and adventure and exploring.
The downside is that the person who I live with, is not happy and adventurous and full of life and positive energy. This is an ongoing internal battle for me because when I’m around him, I feel myself retreating and putting up the walls and looking for escape. The escape that I used to find in a bottle or by getting high. I go on these fantastic little adventures and day trips and hikes and come home to an angry, negative force who is usually sitting on the couch drinking a beer or storming around the house pissed off about something. I ask him how his day was and it’s always something negative. Always. He’s always angry at someone or something and it’s pretty rare actually that he will even ask me how my day was. If he does, he’s already blocking me out and distracted by about one sentence into my answer. The funny part is that he has been like that from the day that we got together and I always made excuses up for him, and then I started accepting it as just who he was, and then it started bothering me to the point that I would drink sooner in the day and more often so that I didn’t have to deal with it, but now I feel guilty that it bothers me. He chooses to be negative and angry. I chose 274 days ago to make changes in my life that have led me on some great adventures and given me an escape from that, even if they are temporary little escapes. Who knows what the next few months will bring ❤