I didn’t get sober to sit on the couch.

Today marks 274 days (or 9 months + one day) that I am clean, sober and smoke free.

Lately I have been feeling better – more alive, happier, peaceful, inquisitive, and full of gratitude than I have in a long, long time. It feels so weird that I’m at 274 days already, less than 100 to go until a full year! The first 100 days dragged… and I mean DRAGGED by. Also – I turn 44 in a few weeks, and that also feels weird that I’m already almost 44.

I think that a HUGE part of feeling so good lately is that I have been really active. Like super, chubby butt jiggling active. I try to start every day off with a run on the treadmill, usually only for 20-30 mins but enough to work up a sweat. I have to do this in the morning before work because if I try to do it at night instead I procrastinate and make excuses and more excuses and then I don’t do it. I’m also trying to get out for a bike ride or walk on my lunch break, and another walk in the evening. Weekend hikes and exploring, and really taking the time to ooo and ahhh over my surroundings and LOOK for beauty around me (sounds silly but it has really changed my mindset!)

My weekend hikes and exploring has exploded to new levels lately and I am honestly loving it. I’m going out again this weekend with a friend, to a place that’s about 3 hours away and we may even go canoeing too. I have gone from pushing myself to do some small active thing every day to squirming around in my seat at work just wanting to get outside and play in nature. Or more truthfully, I have gone from counting down the minutes til I can buy a bottle of wine on the way home to drink while sitting on the couch watching tv all night to squirming around in my seat at work thinking about nature and adventure and exploring.

The downside is that the person who I live with, is not happy and adventurous and full of life and positive energy. This is an ongoing internal battle for me because when I’m around him, I feel myself retreating and putting up the walls and looking for escape. The escape that I used to find in a bottle or by getting high. I go on these fantastic little adventures and day trips and hikes and come home to an angry, negative force who is usually sitting on the couch drinking a beer or storming around the house pissed off about something. I ask him how his day was and it’s always something negative. Always. He’s always angry at someone or something and it’s pretty rare actually that he will even ask me how my day was. If he does, he’s already blocking me out and distracted by about one sentence into my answer. The funny part is that he has been like that from the day that we got together and I always made excuses up for him, and then I started accepting it as just who he was, and then it started bothering me to the point that I would drink sooner in the day and more often so that I didn’t have to deal with it, but now I feel guilty that it bothers me. He chooses to be negative and angry. I chose 274 days ago to make changes in my life that have led me on some great adventures and given me an escape from that, even if they are temporary little escapes. Who knows what the next few months will bring ❀

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30 comments

  1. Dewy · 27 Days Ago

    Looks like you’ve got your life figured out. Good on you! You’re an inspiration! Next bit is to figure out your relationship. From the sound of it I think you already know just not ready to take the next step. The 40s is the new 30s.
    I’m back to square 1 have popped back all of my weight. Starting again today to keep a food diary. One good thing I’ve dropped them before I can drop them again😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 27 Days Ago

      Ahhh I wish! My life is far from figured out, I’m just very thankful to have nature therapy right now and taking full advantage of that. My weight hasn’t dropped at all these past 9 months πŸ˜• oh well that will hopefully come with time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Elizabeth · 27 Days Ago

    Well done! You’re smart to exercise first thing- if I don’t work out in the morning, I don’t do it at all. It’s proven that those who exercise in the morning are much more more consistent- too much can happen during the day to sabotage even the best of intentions. As far as your mate- I think it’s normal to feel “bothered” by someone’s constant anger and negativity- it’s stressful especially if you have no choice as in your living situation. He may very well be uncomfortable by your growth. Hopefully you’ll “rub” off on him and he’ll decide he wants to change. Congratulations on #9+1 ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. tiredoftreadingwater · 27 Days Ago

    This sounds so positive, I’m happy for you that things have changed so much for the better. I’m a real nature therapy lover too now I’m sober. Sorry your relationship has its dark clouds. Whatever the outcome of that at least you can deal with it from a stronger, sober perspective. Congrats on 9 months!! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. morethanmyshare · 27 Days Ago

    Thanks for writing this. It came at a good time for me. I want to be more like you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

      I struggle a lot, but things are definitely at a brighter point right now for me. I’m glad that what I wrote came at a good time for you. ❀ You're so close to a year, that's amazing!! I'm so proud of you πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • morethanmyshare · 26 Days Ago

        thank you! sometimes i need to remind myself to be proud of myself for what i have done instead of hard on myself for what i have not done. everyday i am moving forward.

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

        Yes! Absolutely you are moving forward every day and that’s HUGE! πŸ™‚

        Like

  5. postcardsfromrecovery · 27 Days Ago

    ” I chose 274 days ago to make changes in my life that have led me on some great adventures and given me an escape from that, even if they are temporary little escapes. Who knows what the next few months will bring ❀”

    I’m smiling so big for you! This is wonderful to read. It’s empowering to see you keeping your own chin up, despite the encouragement from The Other to be negative and maybe even to drink. Yay, you!

    xo
    Penelope

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

      Thank you Penelope. I have had some really hard days too, it’s really tough dealing with that all the time, plus having alcohol in the house. It is words of encouragement like yours from the community on here that has made all the difference (along with nature therapy). Have a wonderful day πŸ™‚ – Donna

      Liked by 1 person

  6. saoirsek · 26 Days Ago

    Such a,great post. It can be difficult for the people around us when we are getting better and recovering. Stay strong and put your own oxygen mask on first! Its a program of attraction, there’s a great chapter in AA ‘s big book called The family afterwards, helps explain what can be going on for those we love. Well done on your recovery S x

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

      Thank you saoirsek. I have struggled a lot of the past 9 months with trying to figure out how to do this for myself while also taking care of him and trying to make it as easy on him as possible. I think that the biggest thing for me has been really learning and figuring out that I NEED to put myself first. I need to do that for my sanity and my sobriety. I try to be empathetic towards him but I’m finding it really hard. I will have to do some reading I guess. Thank you ❀

      Liked by 2 people

      • saoirsek · 26 Days Ago

        Sorry, didn’t want to be all preachy regarding AA. I’m not sure if you are in AA so forgive me for that assumption πŸ™‚ I just know that the support I got around this issue( which was pretty difficult to say the least, won’t go into it) was invaluable. I probably would have used it to go back out, that’s just me. Sending big hugs s x

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

        Oh my gosh, Saoirsek, not preachy AT ALL! πŸ™‚ All good! I’m not in AA so I do appreciate any and all advice or suggestions. It can be a lonely road a lot of the time and this blog has been my only outlet for so many different situations I have been in through since I started this journey. It’s invaluable to me. Thank you for being part of that πŸ™‚ ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  7. talesfrommyliver · 26 Days Ago

    I do the same thing with working out – it needs to happen in the morning or it won’t happen at all, haha! You’re doing such a wonderful job taking care of yourself. It’s no fun being sober and recovering and finding such joy in the small things in life then coming home to a grump, that’s for sure. Stay strong and you do you – you’re doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Untipsyteacher · 26 Days Ago

    I love that you are being active! Even though I can’t do quite as much as I used to, I love getting out in nature, or on little adventures, too!
    You do need to keep focusing on keeping yourself healthy, and even though that sounds selfish, it’s not.
    You will figure out what to do with your relationship as you grow.
    I have been blessed with a hubs that is right beside me all the way. I am glad you have some friends who can be by you, too!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 26 Days Ago

      Thank you sweet Wendy. Yes, I am very lucky to have a few close friends who have been amazing through this, and a new friend who is so completely nonplussed by it and actually surprised me with a few bottles of different types of gingerale that they found and bought just for me! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€
      I am so happy for you, that your hubs is such a great guy. I love reading about the adventures that you two go on and seeing pics of both of yours beautiful happy faces when you’re together ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  9. SWMum · 25 Days Ago

    Your description reminds me of the person I used to be. It’s only when I sit back and reflect I realise how much I’ve sacrificed to alcohol.. I can identify more with your partner now! Keep exploring.. there is so much life out there to live. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. runawayhappy · 25 Days Ago

    Wonderful! Morning workouts feel so good don’t they? You’re doing amazing and keep up all of that good work. The relationship piece can be tough. I have no advice because it sounds like you already know…:::Hugs:::

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 25 Days Ago

      I do already know, and I think that I have known for a long long time, even before I quit drinking 😦
      YES, morning workouts are fantastic! Some mornings I really push myself to get even the smallest shortest little run in, and I have never regretted it. Great way to start the day πŸ™‚

      Like

  11. Paul S · 23 Days Ago

    The mind-body-spirit connection at work! congrats on your sober time and getting with exercise! It took me two years into sobriety to find running, something I still do now. It helps me mentally and emotionally for sure, and I feel better when I do it consistently. So that’s great for you!
    As for the relationship – the dynamic changes big time when one (or even both) get sober. It has to. It’s natural. And that is when some people wake up to the fact that they aren’t the same person that once found that person attractive. This is not advice of course – just an observation from many others (and my own experience, which is a bit different since I was married when I got sober…still together)
    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · 20 Days Ago

      Thanks Paul! Yes, it is natural for relationships to change over time and personal growth, never mind with something as life altering as this. Some relationships are worth fighting for, and some… are not. That is life πŸ™‚

      Like

  12. Hurrahforcoffee · 23 Days Ago

    Well done on your 274 days that is really amazing, i am so proud of you! Also on exercising, that must really help. Good for putting yourself first, that’s the only way to stay sane. x

    Liked by 1 person

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