I just looked it up on my app because I thought I was getting close to 6 months! Wow… It almost feels a little normal these days haha. I have had a couple of days in the past few weeks where an intense craving has hit me out of the blue, like a little electric jolt. I did however, have a very rude awakening the other night, where I knew without a doubt that if I had still been drinking I would have had a dui. I was driving home from work after an evening meeting, and I came around a corner and there was a speed trap right there. It’s in a section of road where the speed limit is reduced and it’s in a remote area where there is rarely any traffic. I’ve never, ever seen a speed trap set up there. I was actually doing the speed limit because I was happy and relaxed and feeling great about how my meeting had gone. I was enjoying the scenery and wondering if I would see a bear haha. I think the police man was as startled to see me as I was to see him 😉 If I was still drinking my day would have gone like this: rush rush all day trying to get everything ready for the meeting last minute, feeling mad, stressed and anxious. Pick up a bottle (or box more likely) of wine in between office hours and meeting. Sneak a drink (or two) to calm my nerves and be able to “focus” on those late minute details along with some liquid courage to make that presentation. Get through the meeting feeling guilty that I hadn’t finished some reports, was behind in other work, didn’t get certain things done on time, etc. Go back to my office afterwards and pour a drink in the travel mug… because there’s never anyone on the road that I travel on and I want a drink and “what’s the difference between having one in my office or sipping it on the way home?“. I would have been focused on getting home, not paying too much attention to the landscape, or the speed limit and bang boom, bye bye license.
I’ve been in here a couple of times to start writing a post lately, I’m really struggling with my emotions lately. I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away… Mainly it’s my mom that I’m having a hard time with. I have always had a rough relationship with her and for years I could only talk to her if I got so pissed drunk that I wouldn’t remember the conversation afterwards (yes, terrible, I know… *sigh*) I just think it’s coming to a head because I have so many different thoughts and emotions bubbling up all over the place and I’m trying to deal with those and along with those are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that stem from my relationship with my mother (Sorry, but when you have a mother who tells you that you ruined her life because she never wanted kids, she hates you, you’re ugly, etc.. it kinda sticks with you and affects you for a few years or lots of years) THANK GOODNESS SHE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY~!! 😉 Arggghhh hahaha, mothers!