5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days.

I just looked it up on my app because I thought I was getting close to 6 months! Wow… It almost feels a little normal these days haha. I have had a couple of days in the past few weeks where an intense craving has hit me out of the blue, like a little electric jolt. I did however, have a very rude awakening the other night, where I knew without a doubt that if I had still been drinking I would have had a dui. I was driving home from work after an evening meeting, and I came around a corner and there was a speed trap right there. It’s in a section of road where the speed limit is reduced and it’s in a remote area where there is rarely any traffic. I’ve never, ever seen a speed trap set up there. I was actually doing the speed limit because I was happy and relaxed and feeling great about how my meeting had gone. I was enjoying the scenery and wondering if I would see a bear haha. I think the police man was as startled to see me as I was to see him πŸ˜‰ If I was still drinking my day would have gone like this: rush rush all day trying to get everything ready for the meeting last minute, feeling mad, stressed and anxious. Pick up a bottle (or box more likely) of wine in between office hours and meeting. Sneak a drink (or two) to calm my nerves and be able to “focus” on those late minute details along with some liquid courage to make that presentation. Get through the meeting feeling guilty that I hadn’t finished some reports, was behind in other work, didn’t get certain things done on time, etc. Go back to my office afterwards and pour a drink in the travel mug… because there’s never anyone on the road that I travel on and I want a drink and “what’s the difference between having one in my office or sipping it on the way home?“. I would have been focused on getting home, not paying too much attention to the landscape, or the speed limit and bang boom, bye bye license.

I’ve been in here a couple of times to start writing a post lately, I’m really struggling with my emotions lately. I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away… Mainly it’s my mom that I’m having a hard time with. I have always had a rough relationship with her and for years I could only talk to her if I got so pissed drunk that I wouldn’t remember the conversation afterwards (yes, terrible, I know… *sigh*) I just think it’s coming to a head because I have so many different thoughts and emotions bubbling up all over the place and I’m trying to deal with those and along with those are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that stem from my relationship with my mother (Sorry, but when you have a mother who tells you that you ruined her life because she never wanted kids, she hates you, you’re ugly, etc.. it kinda sticks with you and affects you for a few years or lots of years) THANK GOODNESS SHE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY~!! πŸ˜‰  Arggghhh hahaha, mothers!

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22 comments

  1. soberinvegas · April 11

    oh man…family relationships are tough in sobriety (especially the ones that are not easy). one day at a time ❀ ❀

    Liked by 3 people

  2. asobermiracle · April 11

    Fantastic! Almost half a year sober!
    You are so right about the family thing. Even good family relationships make you want to drink sometimes. ; )
    And avoiding a DUI! Can you imagine how ‘fun’ that would have been? I’ve had a few close calls traffic-wise while sober and I am so thankful that I have been able to avoid it.
    I’m so glad you are hanging in there!
    xoxo

    Liked by 5 people

  3. ainsobriety · April 11

    Hug. My mother and I don’t get along. She is a classic narcissist. When I talk to her I immediately start to think I’m a bad person, difficult to get along with and that I don’t deserve love.

    I’m still working through those numb emotions! It might have been easier to drink them away, but they were crushing me. I’m glad I know they are lies….

    Great job with the drive. Those are the moments where I know I made the right choice.

    Anne

    Liked by 4 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · April 11

      Thanks Anne, I have a lot to work through, and I have to try to stop obsessing over things she says & does. Hug back to you.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I Quit Wineing · April 11

    Mothers can be hard work. I have had difficult times over the years with my own mother. She actually thinks she is helping me when she reminds me that I am overweight, terrible with money, not a good housewife etc etc. Thankfully these days I can switch off a whole lot easier. I must be around the same stage of sobriety as you. Almost half a year sounds good!

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Hurrahforcoffee · April 12

    One of my fears, DUI! Family relationships that were strained pre-sobriety can be beyond challenging post-sobriety. You know I make the same suggestions over and over when it comes to personal relationships. Be kind to yourself first, heal your relationship with yourself and I think that may make it slightly easier…hugs and love. xxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · April 12

      Thanks Hurrah, being kind to myself is something that I’ve been working a lot on over the past few months. It is so, so very important ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. NoWineImFine · April 12

    Congratulations- six months!! Way to go.
    Sorry to hear about your mum. She’s missing out on something truely amazing.
    In the meantime, carry on being you, being awesome – six months is an inspiration to many.
    Love and sober hugs
    From New Zealand πŸ¦‹πŸ’™πŸŒπŸŒ΄

    Liked by 2 people

  7. saoirsek · April 12

    Well done!! 7 years on and my sister still doesn’t understand how I can’t have ” just 1″. Ah wellπŸ™‚You’re doing great, hug x

    Liked by 2 people

  8. mikeykjr · April 12

    ” I think that’s normal but it’s sure interesting to deal with, or sort through… it sure was easier to drink them away”
    That is exactly why I drank to get drunk; I didn’t want to feel anything, just like you. For many, if not all, handling these emotions is something new to us. I’m still working on mine after a few years of sobriety. If I’m not careful I’ll immediately react instead of looking at my part of a problem. Talk to others, see how they dealt with things you are going through, it saved my life a couple of times. My mother was the biggest hurdle in my sobriety. She passed away in 2006. In early sobriety I had so much resentment even after her death (2008). I can remember sitting in a meeting talking about resentments and family, then I simply said to myself, “Mom, I forgive you.” I cried right then and there. I had finally come to terms on how I played a part in our relationship. She was struggling with her own alcoholism and now I truly understood, it wasn’t her fault nor mine. It just was. After that day, I only remember the good times. The times we would sit around the table and actually talk to each other about life. Now I miss those times. Right now it even brings years to my eyes. The point is – give it time. It’s early. You have a whole life ahead of you. When the time is right, you will now its time to overcome that hurdle. Great post! Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · April 12

      Thank YOU mikeykjr, for your lovely comment. I’m sorry you lost your mom, my dad passed away a few years ago and I know how difficult it can be. Thank you for the advice.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Untipsyteacher · April 12

    Having a mom who did not support you is very hard.
    My mom was a little detached while I was growing up, but we are very close now.
    Emotions and feelings come up and can overwhelm me at times.
    I am trying to not ignore them, but let them ride, and ask myself why I am feeling this way…asking deeper questions.
    Many of my emotions are tied to fear…fear of missing out, fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted.
    I am so proud of you for not drinking, as I know it is so hard at times.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · April 12

      Thank you so much sweet Wendy. Fear is an easy emotion to let take over and affect us, it is one that I struggle with often. I have been trying to ride out the emotions and dig deeper to figure out why I’m feeling that way. I do a lot of talking to myself these days – I’m sure I’m quite a sight as I’m driving down the road as I tend to talk with my hands lol

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Elizabeth · April 12

    Thank God for your mom! Without her, we wouldn’t have you! You are an amazing woman….your posts have been so inspirational and hope-filled for me. I pray that you can (one day) come to a place of (I’m sure, incredibly hard) forgiveness- even if understanding never comes. Do it for you. For me, it was my dad. Thank you for sharing yourself. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · April 12

      ❀ such sweet, kind words Elizabeth, thank you. Because of her I make an conscientious effort to be kind and empathetic to people as often as possible, and for that I am grateful to her. Thank you for taking the time to visit and comment ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  11. beingmesober · May 3

    Hi! That is so great that you have come this far in your sobriety. You are doing well! Congrats!
    Its so good to talk about what “could of happened”. It is important to revisit your drinking days and really tell yourself and others the, “happens” when we are in a drunken stupor or cant wait to get home to have a glass. We need to remember this in our sobriety, that’s why we persist on being sober, that’s why and how you stay in control of your sobriety. Remember what you use to do, remember how foolish we were. Remember it doesn’t go well!
    As far as your mother, you will get stronger as you go through your sobriety and this will help you deal with your mom. As you are sober each day you gain more and more strength and start to love yourself again. You will, or may, have to have a talk with her when you are stronger and tell her what she has done to you and how she has hurt you. If she wants a relationship with you then she has to accept you for who you are. You will find the strength and you will not allow people/family to say or do things to you any longer because YOU are in control. Its no longer about THEM.
    If you read my blog post, I forgive you, you will see that I have also had issues with someone that I thought was someone he wasn’t but I have forgiven him and moved on from the chaos and toxic environment. I had given him chance after chance and lets me down so I have decided to walk away, end the relationship. I’m okay with that. I am happy and I don’t have any regrets. That’s what you need to ask yourself. Will you allow anyone or anything to jeopardize your sobriety and emotional health?

    You will be fine and tough it through!!! Congrats!

    Being Me Sober.
    I was able to do this by getting sober, of course, and having strong people around me, people that cared about me as much as I cared for them. As I became more aware of myself and emotions I was able to see so much clearer about who and what I allowed in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hello! Thank you so much for stopping by and offering such wonderful words of encouragement. I really do appreciate the time and thought you put into your comment. I hope that you have a wonderful day!

      Like

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