ramble

I had one of those weekends where I can look back on it and say “thank god I was sober. Seriously.” The whole weekend would have taken a completely different turn if I had still been drinking.

It started off with the Thursday night drink mixup at the bar.

Friday night my boyfriend and I went out for appetizers and bowling with my oldest son and his fiance. I was just going to go by myself but my boyfriend decided that he wanted to go as well. My boyfriend sat back while I paid for everything, then proceeded to tell me on the way home that he had just received a huge bonus at work. He and I are very different with our money and although we live together we keep separate finances, thank goodness. I have a pretty low income with my field of work but love my job as it is a feel good job haha. For me it is all about the memories; for him everything has a monetary value and he will even bitch about the cost of something that he doesn’t even pay for. (If I had been drinking – restaurant bill would have been a LOT higher. Bowling would have included drinking and then I would have been itching to get home to continue drinking and not fully appreciating just being there having fun. Maybe I would have been upset and confused at the boyfriend not chipping in for appies or bowling and made a snarky comment to him over it)

Saturday the boyfriend went snowmobiling with friends (I’m too slow to keep up with them apparently). I had a wonderful day with my two youngest kids, did some touristy stuff and went out for lunch. It was awesome, laid back and fun. Saturday night boyfriend and I went over to his friends house that he had gone snowmobiling with. There was a new addition to the group – a single woman who had been snowmobiling with them the last few times too. I’m not sure how she joined their group, but I do know that she was quite flirty with my boyfriend that night and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and damn it she was a heavy drinker and tiny framed! I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and upset but didn’t say anything or let it show. We stayed late, but left at a decent hour before everyone was stupid drunk. (If I had been drinking – probably would have had drinks with lunch with my boys (why?), and Saturday night I know for sure that I would have really let it upset me and freaked the hell out on my boyfriend on the drive home, blowing everything out of proportion, drank more at home and carried my fit through to Sunday)

Sunday I texted my sister  a simple question, innocently asking her if she was mad at my sons fiance (my son had asked me if I knew what was going on due to something that had happened online). She responded with a “oh no, of course not!”, and changed the subject. Fine… well then my son texts me all upset because my sister just texted him a big long super nasty text! What the heck! I assume that something else is going on with her so I text her to ask her if she’s ok. She then freaks out on me and tells me that I’m upsetting her. What?? I’m so confused. I apologize for upsetting her and leave it at that. It really upset me though because I had no idea what happened and why she reacted the way she did, or how I should handle it. I just “turtled” lol, and when I drove by the liquor store later that day I almost longingly thought that it would be soooo nice to bury my racing thoughts and emotions in a good old drunk up. I didn’t act on that thought. It bothered me all weekend. It is still bothering me. This is on top of a few other things that she has done lately that I have let slide. I live so far away from my sisters that it’s hard to connect sometimes. It shouldn’t be with the modern technology, but it is. I apologized to my son for my sisters behaviour, and that I somehow set it off. He did nothing wrong, and my sister is lashing out at his fiance for something that happened after they first got together when they were teenagers for gods sake. Almost 5 yrs ago! Ughh… (If I had been drinking – I would not have dropped this. I would have used it as an excuse to drink even more, maybe pick up an extra bottle of wine, and there would have been lots of angry texts or phone calls. My anger towards that would also have spilled over into the angry emotions that I had on Saturday night so I probably would have found a reason to lash out at my boyfriend as well. Instead of sitting here this morning trying to focus on the positives of the weekend while trying to figure out how to handle the sister situation, I would have still been angry, upset, felt justified in whatever course of irrational action I had taken.)

Yesterday was a stat here and I got out and enjoyed the beautiful weather we’re having. Lots of fresh air, by myself. Made a nice dinner when I got home and did a 1/2 workout followed by a 1/2 sweaty jog on the treadmill. Had a good sleep. (If I had been drinking – after the other events of the weekend I would have been in no shape or form to get out, to exercise or to run on the treadmill. Stat day = extra drinking day)

119 days alcohol free / 122 days smoke free / 148 days since I started the journey to sobriety.