boomerang bang

I’ve been struggling the past few days, with thoughts and emotions all over the place. At 76 days sober and 80 days smoke free and 105 days since I started out, I would have hoped that the cravings and the gut instinct to turn to booze when I’m having a tough day would have subsided. I guess it has for the most part, but sometime last week I started thinking about smoking, and then it went from that to thinking about drinking. Not just wanting one drink mind you – I wanted to get black out drunk of course. “I just want to go on a bender” – I don’t know how often that thought swirled around my mind. What is it about that that I miss? I don’t miss the taste, I don’t miss the social aspect, but I do miss the blacking out and that escape. I miss not having to deal with anything and my brain turning OFF. WHYYY? Why do I have to force myself to equate that to the terrible mornings afterwards, the shame, the confusion, the hurt that I caused, not to mention the other stuff that went along with it.

This doesn’t help:

  • not losing a single ounce of weight since I quit drinking, even though I’ve been exercising
  • The energy levels dropping back down (no more manic cleaning of the house)
  • Constantly dry chapped lips even though I’m drinking enough water to make me run to the washroom enough times an hour that I’m sure coworkers think I have some internal issues
  • skin irritations and problems – STILL!
  • Feeling tired during the day again even though I’m getting great night’s sleeps
  • Feeling overwhelmingly emotional

This does help:

  • exercising daily – I’ve been boxing, running, yoga-ing haha, as much as I can to keep my mind off the thoughts of drinking
  • Reading other peoples blogs, especially posts where they talk about what happens when they try to moderate, or “have just one drink” – this really keeps me in check

Anyway… still plodding along. The January blah’s and our lovely cold weather probably aren’t helping with my woe-is-me mood haha.

DECLINED!

Yesterday I was supposed to donate blood, for the first time. I haven’t been able to before due to the kind of lifestyle I’ve led, which has actually weighed quite heavily on me. Being able to donate blood was something that I was really excited about and looking forward to, especially with my niece battling leukemia. While other family members have been proudly posting pictures with the hashtag #bloodforniecesname as they’re sitting in the blood donor chair, I have been slowly working towards that goal for myself. 2017, the year of family for me, what a GREAT way to start it off! I made my appointment, I confirmed my appointment via phone a few days before, I made my way to the blood donor clinic after work and waited the half hour til my appointment. I signed in and went to the computer to answer the myriad of questions that a first time donor has to answer, I waited in the waiting area for half an hour waiting to go through the screening process. Once in there, I answered all the questions and confirmed all my personal information. The lady said “Oh, I see that you answered yes to having traveled outside of Canada during the past 12 months. Where did you travel to?” I answered with “Mexico and Texas”. “Well, we’re not worried about TEXAS, but where in Mexico?” I told her and she looked it up in her binder and low and behold, the little area that I traveled to in Mexico last April was under Malaria warning. No one who has visited there is allowed to donate blood for one year after their arrival back on Canadian soil. And that was that. Declined. “Can’t you test…?” nope. “We look forward to seeing you in May!” she cheerfully said as she shooed me out so that I could do my walk of shame through the people sitting in the waiting area for screening (that small town will probably now be all aflutter with the rumour that I got declined because I have syphilis or something). What makes me the most disgruntled about this is that I live in an area that is high risk for West Nile Virus, and people can carry that around unknowingly for years, AND it can be fatal to people over 50! Malaria.. well I think you know you have that well before a year is up. *sigh* I just wanted to do a good deed, but I guess that that particular one will have to wait now until May.

‘Cause the sign says so

A few years ago I downloaded a horoscope app onto my phone that I remember to look at every once in a while. I always turn to it for some reason when I’m having a rough week or I’m worried about something. I guess it’s kind of like the lottery tickets that I let pile up in my purse until I have a bad day and then go and get them all checked (“oh please please please let me win enough to go on a vacation somewhere or quit my job and life off grid!”) I do like this particular horoscope app though, it’s always bang on for me, which is absolutely amazing considering how many Leo’s there must be in the world. I guess it’s not so bang on for other Leo’s hahaha. When it comes to stubbornness and creativity, loyalty and enthusiasm and generosity, I am a Leo through and through. Pride when it comes to what kind of person I am and how I treat others, not pride in appearance because I’m happy looking like a hobo. There are a lot of Leo traits that I possess that I truly feel have helped me through some of the awful things that I have been through. I checked my little app this morning and found that there is a Zodiac Yearly section on it with the forecast for 2017. I thought that mine seemed rather fitting. I hope that it’s right about some beautiful adventures in 2017 🙂

“Leo

When you are at your best, Leo, you are strong, courageous, and sure of yourself. You exemplify the very best qualities of the majestic Lion – the symbol of your sign. You have been through a challenging few years, Leo. Some significant changes happened in your life during that time, and it impacted the way you see the world around you, and the way you see yourself. You came back more into your own in 2016, but you aren’t all the way there yet. There is a lot to adjust to, Leo, but you are doing just fine. You should be in the process of regaining your balance and centering yourself. You have hopefully rebuilt your confidence and reframed your optimistic outlook on people and on life in general. As more beautiful adventures open up to you in 2017, you will complete a cycle that has taught you a lot about yourself. You will have a new way of looking at everything, and that means many new beginnings for you. In many areas of your life, big opportunities will give you chances to shine in ways you never have before – including in areas that draw on your deep well of creativity. Making discoveries through exploration that lies outside of your comfort zone will become easier for you, and using your creativity to evolve even further will be very rewarding. This will be a landmark year for you in so many ways, Leo.”

 

Waving hand like a madman

HI!!! Hey, I’m here! Hi everyone! 71 days and counting! I have so much catching up to do on everyone’s blogs, yikes! Between snow storms and holidays and taking time off work, being at home with no internet and crappy cell phone service I feel like I’m totally behind! I’ve been thinking of you all though ❤

How many times?

2017! When I was still writing cheques as payments for things, it would take me WEEKS to adjust to a new year! To be honest, I’ve never really been a big one on the whole “new year” celebrations; to me that happens on my birthday because it’s a new year for me then. The past few years though, I’ve been heaving a sigh of relief when the year comes to a close. “Maybe next year will be better” I’d mutter under my breath as I put up a new calendar. I wouldn’t officially make New Years resolutions because I didn’t need something else to be disappointed in myself over but I’d mentally make a list of things I’d like to do over the year. The crazy thing is, life never goes according to plan! You’re sailing along smoothly thinking “hell yeahhh… got a couple bucks in the bank, feeling great, sun is shining, car is getting great gas mileage, flowers are blooming!” And the KABAMMM! Life hits you with a curve ball or left hand hook and the car breaks down, the clouds roll in and some a-hole comes along and picks the flowers. Other times it’s not so drastic and it’s just a simple ebb and flow. And so it goes, day after day, month after month, year after year, without it mattering what letters represent the month or what numbers represent the year. And the fact that I’m going to be facing all that sober? Yikes! Terrifying! What will I use for a safety net?! How do I navigate through and survive the rough days or terrible hours? Well my PLAN is to take each one as it comes and know that it’s part of the ridiculously-not-at-all-smooth-and-straight road of life and that there will be bumps and curveballs and left hooks, but those hours or days or possibly even weeks, will be followed by beautiful, funny, or just plain boring hours, days and weeks. And from everything I’ve read (long term sober people please chime in), when you’re sober and thinking clearly, you deal with the down days a lot faster than hiding behind the glass hoping it goes away by itself. So here’s to the next 365 days ahead of us being full of adventure, lessons, laughter, luck and health. Thanks for being here, and happy new year! 💗