boomerang bang

I’ve been struggling the past few days, with thoughts and emotions all over the place. At 76 days sober and 80 days smoke free and 105 days since I started out, I would have hoped that the cravings and the gut instinct to turn to booze when I’m having a tough day would have subsided. I guess it has for the most part, but sometime last week I started thinking about smoking, and then it went from that to thinking about drinking. Not just wanting one drink mind you – I wanted to get black out drunk of course. “I just want to go on a bender” – I don’t know how often that thought swirled around my mind. What is it about that that I miss? I don’t miss the taste, I don’t miss the social aspect, but I do miss the blacking out and that escape. I miss not having to deal with anything and my brain turning OFF. WHYYY? Why do I have to force myself to equate that to the terrible mornings afterwards, the shame, the confusion, the hurt that I caused, not to mention the other stuff that went along with it.

This doesn’t help:

  • not losing a single ounce of weight since I quit drinking, even though I’ve been exercising
  • The energy levels dropping back down (no more manic cleaning of the house)
  • Constantly dry chapped lips even though I’m drinking enough water to make me run to the washroom enough times an hour that I’m sure coworkers think I have some internal issues
  • skin irritations and problems – STILL!
  • Feeling tired during the day again even though I’m getting great night’s sleeps
  • Feeling overwhelmingly emotional

This does help:

  • exercising daily – I’ve been boxing, running, yoga-ing haha, as much as I can to keep my mind off the thoughts of drinking
  • Reading other peoples blogs, especially posts where they talk about what happens when they try to moderate, or “have just one drink” – this really keeps me in check

Anyway… still plodding along. The January blah’s and our lovely cold weather probably aren’t helping with my woe-is-me mood haha.

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44 comments

  1. Merry B. Sober · January 9

    My weight has not budged in a month either (1 month + 2 days sober). I hear you on that topic. In the past, I would have just said Fuck It and used the scale as an excuse to start up again! But I think I read it takes almost a year to fully heal the liver. (Anyone have that piece of info confirmed?) I was sober for 25 months, a few years ago…and things did continue to transform in year two.

    But then I *dreamed* I had become a Moderate…and what I have learned in my almost 40 year drinking career…I have no “off switch”…I cannot be moderate. It’s not my 3rd or 4th drink…it’s the first drink. Oh…I played some games to keep me from going back to Day After Disaster/Shame/Negative Self Talk (only 2 glasses…morphed to only 1 bottle…to only allowed to open one bottle-but can drink that plus any already opened bottle of wine)then I would wake up and congratulate myself for staying in the rule boundaries…but over and over…there always was THAT night that made me want to promise never to drink again.

    Now I’m here…and I’m not going to look back in the rear view mirror. Found a quote…think I have my blog post for today. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 5 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 9

      I have no off switch either, and I KNOW I can not moderate, which makes it even more infuriating that the little voice in my head is telling me that this could be an option. Thanks for linking to my post, btw! πŸ˜€

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Pingback: I am NOT a moderate | Merry and Bright…and Sober
  3. mooseylou · January 9

    Smoking – I can attest to this because that is something I have actually conquered – WOOHOO! Hardest times: first two weeks, 30 day mark, 90 day mark, and for some strange reason one year mark. You are right on the line of 90 days on smoking. Your list of issues that you aren’t happy about – how old are you? you don’t have to actually answer – but it sounds like you have some hormonal imbalances. Drinking – will we ever get over these cravings? I hope so. You are kicking butt though! Keep moving forward.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I Quit Wineing · January 9

    Cracked lips is often a sign of vitamin B deficiency. My son had them often till I read about it and put him on a mega B once a day. I haven’t lost any weight either but kind of knew this from past sober attempts. I am starting Whole 30 today in the hope of losing some weight. In the two years since attempting to quit I have realised that moderation sounds great but doesn’t work for me. Every time I went back to drinking I quickly fell back in to my pattern of heavy drinking. The brain never forgets as Dr John Kelly says.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. soberisland · January 9

    I’ve read about the vitamin B thing too and it helps with hormones too.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. dewyplace · January 9

    This is a great website. About quitting and weight gain.
    https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/smoking-and-weight

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      Thanks Dewy! I really appreciate you taking the time to post that πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • dewyplace · January 10

        You’re welcome it’s actually a site that we refer our patients to for extra information on all health topics . It’s a government website.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Carrie Ann · January 9

    I have yet to really study yoga or meditation in much detail, but I am learning to remember my breath and this has been HUGE for me in getting my head right. Just stop, take a load off and find your breath.

    Took us years to get into these messes…we deserve as much time to get well!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      It’s easy to want things to change quickly, but you’re so right – we deserve time to get well and it does take time too. I need to learn to breath AND be patient! πŸ™‚

      Like

      • Carrie Ann · January 10

        Slowing down has been HUGE for me. “Busy” is a trap.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. ainsobriety · January 9

    Throw the scale away. I did just that in early sobriety and it was SO FREEING. It’s just another stick to beat yourself with. None of us need that.
    Hug

    Things get better. 90 days is a big turning point. And 6 months.

    Liked by 4 people

    • soberisland · January 9

      I agree. Get off the scale and try to appreciate your body for what it can do, like breathing, walking, sleeping, …. the scale does not tell you your body’s worth.

      Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      Thanks Anne πŸ™‚ I know I shouldn’t let it bother me as much as it does. I think I had just had it on the list of “benefits” of quitting drinking that I used to tell myself (often!) when I was still drinking. The “you’ll remember how you got to bed last night, you won’t risk having your ex boyfriend put a restraining order on you due to your drunken texts, you won’t have mystery bruises AND you’ll lose weight! This will be great!” πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Untipsyteacher · January 9

    I didn’t lose weight, and my energy level went down at first too.
    But, things do get better the longer I go on!
    Your exercise is awesome!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      I’m forcing myself to exercise, and I feel great after I do it! I started doing a boxing workout too – just 20 mins (dvd/game) and I’m super uncoordinated but laughing at myself puts me in an even better mood than just exercising I think πŸ˜‰

      Like

  10. Mary · January 10

    So appreciative of the honesty here. I might try my hand at blogging. Does everyone say it helps?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Elizabeth · January 10

      I helps like you won’t even believe, Mary. Give it a go! ❀

      Liked by 2 people

    • mooseylou · January 10

      It is a very safe and therapeutic way to share your mind and what is going on in there at the moment. It’s a way to talk through the pain. Sometimes I get to the end of an entry to realize I have just learned something about myself. To me it’s like group therapy whenever you need it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • onebottleoneglass · January 10

      It definitely helps! Come blog with us!! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      Mary, yes! Try it out! I really think that we need to talk about what’s happening with us to people who will listen, understand and not criticize us, and we can find that on here.I find that it helps me clarify my feelings and look at them more realistically – when I keep it to myself, my thoughts just go round and round. When I start writing it out, I usually find things start making more sense, and/or I get awesome feedback and comments from people on here who have been down the same path! I can honestly say that blogging here has what has gotten me this far – there were evenings where I wanted nothing more than to have a drink and I just kept telling myself “no, you have to go on there and write that you’re on day 5 tomorrow” and I’d run myself a bath, or read a book, drink my tea or hot chocolate or sign in and read other blogs. Let me know if you start a blog, I’d love to follow you! Good luck on your journey ❀

      Like

  11. Elizabeth · January 10

    Oh I so relate. Keep going- Remember, (as I tell myself) the only reason you’re getting sober is to get sober-it’s a rollercoaster. All those other things will come in time. Only by staying the course. Read or re-read about P.A.W.S. https://whatmesober.com/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-paws-is-the-cause-of-a-lot-of-misery-and-relapse-in-early-recovery-it-pays-to-know-what-to-expect/ Prayers and hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      Elizabeth, thank you! I have read about PAWS before on a different site that wasn’t as in depth and just discounted it as not being affected by it. This link was so informative and I read most of it just nodding my head! Awesome info!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Hurrahforcoffee · January 10

    Lady you are doing VERY well!!!! You are exercising and quit smoking too!!!! I can really relate to wanting to turn off your thoughts. You want to get out of your head. I also miss that aspect of it. Maybe try some guided meditation audio books. Or have you looked into Virtual reality headsets? It’s incredible you can be transported to another world instantly. (I know it’s a short term fix but it works!)

    Liked by 3 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      I should look into those! I heard you can buy them really cheap too – $25?! Thanks chick! ❀

      Like

  13. Rob · January 10

    You just stay the course and remember, if you think this is tough, think of what you used to do to yourself! Gains will come, hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. onebottleoneglass · January 10

    I’m on day 131, and I’ve gained weight. I refused to ‘take on’ anything else besides Quitting Drinking before day 150. My energy levels are just starting to rise, and I’m feeling really steady and good about things. I have 20 more days of eating whatever I want and not exercising before I renew my efforts to more self-improvement stuff. Hang in there and don’t worry about the scale! You’re not drinking, and that is truly enough right now.

    I know what you mean about those random urges to get blackout drunk and smoke a pack of smokes. It’s the thought of being awake, but not being ‘here’ or something. I don’t know, but I still think about it too, just not as often, and the urges are way less strong now. Even knowing it’s SO not worth it, it still holds some power in my head. Not much though! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      Thank you OBOG. Your heavy fog post around a month ago really hit home with me. I’m not very good at leaving comments on posts, but I wanted to let you know that. I’m glad that the urges will weaken and that I can look forward to a rise in energy levels! Enjoy your next 20 days πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      • onebottleoneglass · January 10

        Thanks! That’s really nice to hear πŸ™‚ It’s weird, the energy level thing. It wasn’t noticeable until it was. . . if that makes sense. It’s been a slow creep of suddenly realizing that I had a great week, or a great day. I’m slow, so putting two and two together has taken awhile for me to realize. . . it is ME, and more importantly, Sober Me!

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

        Yes, that makes total sense! That’s great! Yay to Sober You! πŸ˜€

        Like

      • onebottleoneglass · January 10

        And Sober You, Too!! (Sooo cheesy, lol)

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

        Cheesy is awesome πŸ˜€

        Like

  15. mahbuttitches · January 10

    Thank you for following my blog πŸ™‚ I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say here – particularly the January blahs. SO awesome that you are doing Yoga! Do you go to a class or home practice?

    Huge, huge congratulations on all the incredible changes and progress you have made. I look forward to reading more about you and getting to know you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 10

      I home practice right now but have been to classes! If someone ran a lunchtime one or directly after work one in my area I’d be in heaven! Thanks for dropping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. asobermiracle · January 11

    I didn’t lose weight until I gave up sugar. I ate so much sugar (white bread, pasta, cookies, cake, ice cream) to deal with the cravings that it evened out the calories from drinking. But now it’s working! And it is helping a lot with the energy levels as well. It’s a hard one, but worth the effort.

    I am betting the skin problems are due to detoxing and really a good thing, especially with all the water you are drinking. Lips chapped, for me, is because of winter heaters. This never happens in AC weather.

    REGARDLESS, you are on a upswing! You are rising, whether you feel it every minute or not. Only good things can come your way in the long run. Just wait it out. Let your healing really take hold!

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 12

      I’ve been trying to cut back on sugar and getting massive headaches. Oyyy.. another one that I will have to tell myself that it’s worth the effort and discomfort at the beginning – long term payoffs!
      Thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Susanne · January 11

    I for sure cannot moderate. Last time I quit drinking for 2 1/2 months, I didn’t lose any weight either and that made me sad. I’m on day 13 this time and not going back. Sounds like you are totally on the right path! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 12

      Congrats on (now 14) days, Susanne! That’s awesome! And congrats on making it 2 1/2 months before – that’s great! Thanks for stopping by πŸ™‚

      Like

  18. thecasksdregs · January 13

    I have a reminder when I toy with the notion of moderation: Sobriety delivers what alcohol promises.

    Liked by 1 person

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