I’ve been struggling the past few days, with thoughts and emotions all over the place. At 76 days sober and 80 days smoke free and 105 days since I started out, I would have hoped that the cravings and the gut instinct to turn to booze when I’m having a tough day would have subsided. I guess it has for the most part, but sometime last week I started thinking about smoking, and then it went from that to thinking about drinking. Not just wanting one drink mind you – I wanted to get black out drunk of course. “I just want to go on a bender” – I don’t know how often that thought swirled around my mind. What is it about that that I miss? I don’t miss the taste, I don’t miss the social aspect, but I do miss the blacking out and that escape. I miss not having to deal with anything and my brain turning OFF. WHYYY? Why do I have to force myself to equate that to the terrible mornings afterwards, the shame, the confusion, the hurt that I caused, not to mention the other stuff that went along with it.
This doesn’t help:
- not losing a single ounce of weight since I quit drinking, even though I’ve been exercising
- The energy levels dropping back down (no more manic cleaning of the house)
- Constantly dry chapped lips even though I’m drinking enough water to make me run to the washroom enough times an hour that I’m sure coworkers think I have some internal issues
- skin irritations and problems – STILL!
- Feeling tired during the day again even though I’m getting great night’s sleeps
- Feeling overwhelmingly emotional
This does help:
- exercising daily – I’ve been boxing, running, yoga-ing haha, as much as I can to keep my mind off the thoughts of drinking
- Reading other peoples blogs, especially posts where they talk about what happens when they try to moderate, or “have just one drink” – this really keeps me in check
Anyway… still plodding along. The January blah’s and our lovely cold weather probably aren’t helping with my woe-is-me mood haha.