From high to hell

Yesterday started out so great and then slowly (or rapidly actually) spiraled downward. I used to get this feeling when I was drinking… this feeling like things were so far out of my control and rapidly stacking up that I just wanted to hide away until they sorted themselves out. And I did. I hid behind the glass and sometimes that made it better because I could turtle and ignore everything until it “went away” but sometimes it made it worse because I would stew and overthink and get angry and plot tactics and scenarios on how I was going to deal with it. (And oh boy, some of those ways of dealing with it were just so brilliantly thought out (I jest). Last night things started stacking up. Issues with the boyfriends ex-wife again, feeling like I’m an outsider when it comes to his family (even thought we’ve been together 3 yrs), issues at work, a crazy day at work being interrupted time after time after time with stupid, frustrating requests that aren’t even mine to deal with. Just little things… stacking up.. and up and up until I was already thinking “Oh boy, I could use a drink today. Just one…” on my way home. Fought it off and planned a mass re-org of the basement rec room that would take my mind off things and exert some energy. Barely got started when I got a call from my youngest son. He had hit the ditch in his vehicle. Ok, let me just say here that it’s -25’c out and the ditches are full of snow. It’s -25’c out. I told him to call his dad and I got in my car and drove to meet him. He had pulled over to the side of the road to let an oncoming truck go by, and got sucked into the ditch. It happens, easily, due to the way the gravel roads are plowed out in the country after a heavy snow fall. Anyway, there he was, cold and waiting for me. NO ONE had stopped to see if he needed help. As I waited there with him for his dad to get there, numerous trucks drove by, and finally one stopped. “THAT sucks!” the guy yelled out his window, laughing. “How much will you pay me to pull you out?!”. I said “I’m sorry, I actually don’t even have my purse on me right now, but I could -” no need to finish that sentence because he sped off. Nice. Needless to say, after I got home from that last night I was practically climbing the walls with the “I need a drink I need a drink I need a drink” on constant loop in my brain, at one point standing in the kitchen gripping the kitchen counter, eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched, on the verge of crying. I forced my mind to change path to “what do I need to do?” on repeat and then “calm. focus. basement. organize. hot chocolate with whipping cream. you’re ok. you’re going to be fine. calm. focus….” Still feeling off today, but not as bad as last night for sure. I guess it will be one hour at a time until I get through this instead of one day at a time.

51 days.

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16 comments

  1. Rob · December 15

    What a terrific post of promise that “This too shall pass” by using a mindfulness technique to bring you back. So proud of my canadian princess lol

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I Quit Wineing · December 15

    These early days of sobriety are so hard. Every moment of sobriety is a victory. I am just taking one moment at a time….literally. I can’t believe how uncaring people can be just passing by your son. Karma comes to mind! especially for the truck driver that stopped to make the comment. I am finding walking is helping me at night. Last night I walked and looked at the Christmas lit homes around my neighbourhood and it made me feel all warm and gooey. Then I went home and drank peppermint tea!

    Liked by 3 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 15

      I believe I used the word karma last night in amongst a string of expletives lol. I always stop if I see someone in the ditch to see if they’re ok, need a phone or want to wait in a warm car until help comes.
      I love seeing other people’s decorated houses! I picked up some licorice tea – I’m one of those people who really like black licorice so was excited to find that!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I Quit Wineing · December 16

        Love licorice too

        Liked by 1 person

  3. ainsobriety · December 15

    It’s awesome that you were sober to help your son. That makes it all worthwhile.

    Liked by 6 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 15

      Oh my gosh, I didn’t even think about that Anne! You are SO right!! A few months ago I wouldn’t have been, yeesh…

      Liked by 3 people

    • asobermiracle · December 16

      Wow, I didn’t think about that either, but what would have happened if you hadn’t been in driving condition? If you just didn’t bother to answer because you were too out of it? Your poor baby boy would have been out there all alone.
      Because I have been watching a lot of Christmas specials, I really think that the heavens open up and angels sing every time someone makes the decision to be present instead of drinking.
      You were a hero yesterday. Pat yourself on the back!!

      Liked by 3 people

      • shehidbehindtheglass · December 16

        I got a lump in my throat thinking about it. Thank you, it’s so true that the situation would have been a lot different that’s for sure.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. dewyplace · December 16

    You’re very strong willed I’m impressed I’d be giving in by now.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hurrahforcoffee · December 16

    Well done for staying in the moment. Hot chocolate is far better:) And Anne is right you were there to help your son, sober and present. You showed up to a problem and didn’t try to drink it away. xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Mark David Goodson · December 16

    One day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time if need be! There ain’t no right or wrong way to measure it. I also believe that we share the moment, and that’s all we can hope for. One sober second at a time!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 16

      I’m learning that I really need to adjust to that quickly… slowing it right down and focusing on getting through the minute or hour

      Liked by 1 person

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