Yesterday started out so great and then slowly (or rapidly actually) spiraled downward. I used to get this feeling when I was drinking… this feeling like things were so far out of my control and rapidly stacking up that I just wanted to hide away until they sorted themselves out. And I did. I hid behind the glass and sometimes that made it better because I could turtle and ignore everything until it “went away” but sometimes it made it worse because I would stew and overthink and get angry and plot tactics and scenarios on how I was going to deal with it. (And oh boy, some of those ways of dealing with it were just so brilliantly thought out (I jest). Last night things started stacking up. Issues with the boyfriends ex-wife again, feeling like I’m an outsider when it comes to his family (even thought we’ve been together 3 yrs), issues at work, a crazy day at work being interrupted time after time after time with stupid, frustrating requests that aren’t even mine to deal with. Just little things… stacking up.. and up and up until I was already thinking “Oh boy, I could use a drink today. Just one…” on my way home. Fought it off and planned a mass re-org of the basement rec room that would take my mind off things and exert some energy. Barely got started when I got a call from my youngest son. He had hit the ditch in his vehicle. Ok, let me just say here that it’s -25’c out and the ditches are full of snow. It’s -25’c out. I told him to call his dad and I got in my car and drove to meet him. He had pulled over to the side of the road to let an oncoming truck go by, and got sucked into the ditch. It happens, easily, due to the way the gravel roads are plowed out in the country after a heavy snow fall. Anyway, there he was, cold and waiting for me. NO ONE had stopped to see if he needed help. As I waited there with him for his dad to get there, numerous trucks drove by, and finally one stopped. “THAT sucks!” the guy yelled out his window, laughing. “How much will you pay me to pull you out?!”. I said “I’m sorry, I actually don’t even have my purse on me right now, but I could -” no need to finish that sentence because he sped off. Nice. Needless to say, after I got home from that last night I was practically climbing the walls with the “I need a drink I need a drink I need a drink” on constant loop in my brain, at one point standing in the kitchen gripping the kitchen counter, eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched, on the verge of crying. I forced my mind to change path to “what do I need to do?” on repeat and then “calm. focus. basement. organize. hot chocolate with whipping cream. you’re ok. you’re going to be fine. calm. focus….” Still feeling off today, but not as bad as last night for sure. I guess it will be one hour at a time until I get through this instead of one day at a time.