49 days. How many more days until January 1st and I can breathe a little sigh of relief for making it through my first holiday season sober? The other night the boyfriend came home with a bottle of wine in a gift bag. “I ran into friends and they gave me this for you”, and plunked it down on the table in front of me while I was wrapping presents. I inhaled sharply then exhaled slowly. “That’s so nice of them, but could you please put it somewhere else?” I asked him, picking up the bag and handing it to him. He put it back down in front of me. “They gave it to you” he said as he walked away. I picked it up and put it in the hall closet on the top shelf. Later that evening (and the evenings since) he has made himself spiced rum and cokes, pouring them within a few feet of where I’ve been. The smell of spiced rum is something that I used to really enjoy. It’s amazing what feelings that invokes. Instant internal struggle.
I don’t expect people who haven’t had to go through this to have any idea or clue whatsoever what it’s like. I want to be gentle and kind when dealing with this sort of thing, explaining softly and politely how hard it is for me, how it’s a constant internal struggle and how coming face to face with temptation in the one place where I should feel sheltered and safe feels ridiculously unfair. I keep my mouth firmly closed though, teeth clenched, tongue bitten because I KNOW if I open it to say anything, what will come out will be anger, frustration, maybe even hate or rage, sadness and god only knows what else and then I will be the bad person yet again, just sober this time.