I had a girl’s night (dinner & laughs) with my two closest girl friends tonight. These girls and I have been through a lot over the past couple of years, and we haven’t been able to get together as often as we would like. They did know that I had quit drinking a few months ago (when I first tried).
I got to the restaurant a few minutes after them and ordered a 7-up while they ordered wine.
“Sooooo??” They asked “any news to share?”
“YES!” I replied with a laugh
“YOU’RE PREGNANT!” They both gleefully announced in unison.
Wait, what??! I quit drinking so it’s obviously because I must be pregnant?! Seriously? These are my two closest friends! They would have been the FIRST to know if I was. But then I started thinking that yes these are my two closest friends and even they didn’t know that my drinking had gotten so ridiculously scarily out of hand. I hadn’t even been able to find the courage to confide in them about that. They had seen me beyond drunk, completely inebriated, black out drunk,etc (pretty much every time we had gotten together) and yet they were still shocked and confused as to why I quit drinking. So I told them. Not all of it, not everything, not very much actually, but I told them that I’m a raging alcoholic, that I have a very serious problem with alcohol and that I needed to stop drinking. One of them said “oh I don’t think so! Are you just going to take a break? Cleanse out your system?” I shook my head. The other one asked me why I thought I had a problem. I told them that I had been drinking every night. Every night. I told them that I had started hiding it and lying about it. I told them that if I was still drinking, I would have picked up a couple of bottles of wine on the way home from work, finished one before I even left home to meet them, drank wine with them at dinner (drank more wine than them at dinner) and had more wine when I got home. I didn’t explain it with anger or embarrassment, I just stated it matter of factly with a little bit of a lump in my throat. That’s who I was, that’s what I was like, and this is what I’m doing to change it. One of them said “I think I could have been like you were but my job kept me too busy”. Oh honey, a busy job (working two jobs actually) didn’t stop me. The other said that she enjoys her wine on weekends but she’d know she has a problem if she started drinking during the week as well. And then the conversation changed and moved on because I’ve always been good at deflecting and I’ve always been good at starting conversations with people and turning their attention away from me. And I spent the rest of the night laughing and having great conversation while I just wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself and then I drove home and initiated a pissy fight with the boyfriend because I’m mad at him for having been so completely unsupportive through all this. So I’m here, sober on day 45, being a grumpy pants, but feeling better already after typing out as many long, grammatically incorrect sentences as it took to get my feelings out. Wheww.