Glum bum

I had a girl’s night (dinner & laughs) with my two closest girl friends tonight. These girls and I have been through a lot over the past couple of years, and we haven’t been able to get together as often as we would like. They did know that I had quit drinking a few months ago (when I first tried). 

I got to the restaurant a few minutes after them and ordered a 7-up while they ordered wine.

“Sooooo??” They asked “any news to share?” 

“YES!” I replied with a laugh

“YOU’RE PREGNANT!” They both gleefully announced in unison.

Wait, what??! I quit drinking so it’s obviously because I must be pregnant?! Seriously? These are my two closest friends! They would have been the FIRST to know if I was. But then I started thinking that yes these are my two closest friends and even they didn’t know that my drinking had gotten so ridiculously scarily out of hand. I hadn’t even been able to find the courage to confide in them about that. They had seen me beyond drunk, completely inebriated, black out drunk,etc (pretty much every time we had gotten together) and yet they were still shocked and confused as to why I quit drinking. So I told them. Not all of it, not everything, not very much actually, but I told them that I’m a raging alcoholic, that I have a very serious problem with alcohol and that I needed to stop drinking. One of them said “oh I don’t think so! Are you just going to take a break? Cleanse out your system?” I shook my head. The other one asked me why I thought I had a problem. I told them that I had been drinking every night. Every night.  I told them that I had started hiding it and lying about it. I told them that if I was still drinking, I would have picked up a couple of bottles of wine on the way home from work, finished one before I even left home to meet them, drank wine with them at dinner (drank more wine than them at dinner) and had more wine when I got home. I didn’t explain it with anger or embarrassment, I just stated it matter of factly with a little bit of a lump in my throat. That’s who I was, that’s what I was like, and this is what I’m doing to change it. One of them said “I think I could have been like you were but my job kept me too busy”. Oh honey, a busy job (working two jobs actually) didn’t stop me. The other said that she enjoys her wine on weekends but she’d know she has a problem if she started drinking during the week as well. And then the conversation changed and moved on because I’ve always been good at deflecting and I’ve always been good at starting conversations with people and turning their attention away from me. And I spent the rest of the night laughing and having great conversation while I just wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself and then I drove home and initiated a pissy fight with the boyfriend because I’m mad at him for having been so completely unsupportive through all this. So I’m here, sober  on day 45, being a grumpy pants, but feeling better already after typing out as many long, grammatically incorrect sentences as it took to get my feelings out. Wheww. 

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15 comments

  1. Untipsyteacher · December 9

    Happy 45 Days!!
    I know my friends didn’t know how much I was hiding and drinking at home.
    They had seen me drunk out at HH and parties, but didn’t see the icky stuff!
    I am glad you spoke up, and way to go.
    It’s ok to be grumpy once in awhile!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 9

      Thanks Wendy, half way to 90 days or 3 months! At first it seemed to just drag on and hobby so slowly and yet I have a feeling 3 months will be here before I know it! Yay!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ainsobriety · December 9

    You are braver and wise. And I often find after honest conversations I feel a bit shaky…and it’s good to be gentle with myself.
    My friends were similar…it’s hard to be,I’d’ve someone is suffering and hiding it.

    After a while I stopped trying to explain why I quit because I was just too happy sober. I knew I made the right decision for me.

    Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 9

      Anne, I’m so stuck on whether to just leave it at “I’m not drinking” with no explanation or give a bit of an explanation in case anyone else is suffering in silence. I would have loved to have someone to talk to when I was at my worst and feeling so sad and lost. However, if I can get away with not drinking and no one saying anything then I don’t point out that I’m not drinking because I don’t think it should be a big deal (it always surprises me how it IS a big deal to so many people!)

      Like

      • ainsobriety · December 9

        Here’s what I used to say, because sobriety has made me become unflinchingly and fiercely honest…

        I tell people I found that I was drinking too much and felt it was hurting my mental health. That, regardless of how I appeared, I was very sad and depressed.

        And that very quickly without drinking I was feeling better. And yes, sometimes it was hard, but it was worth it for me.

        Now I embrace sobriety as the amazing life change it is. I am happy and free. Which most people are envious of. Yet not willing to make the huge changes I have….sometimes I have to bite my tongue not to gloat…

        It is important to find people to talk to, even if they are online. But in real life is amazing. I have yet to meet a sober woman who I couldn’t find some common bond. Even if it is to just joke about going to different liquor stores or hiding bottles. It’s all so common it’s funny.

        Sorry for the long reply! Lol do you listen to the bubble hour? It is awesome.

        Liked by 3 people

      • shehidbehindtheglass · December 9

        Thanks Anne! That’s perfect! I haven’t had a chance to listen to the bubble hour because we don’t have internet at home and using the data on my cell is so slow that it’s like using dialup! I will have to check the podcasts out and see if I can download on to my phone when I have wifi at work, then listen to them at home

        Liked by 1 person

  3. dewyplace · December 9

    Friends sometimes see you as they wish to see you the old you the one they know so well..I still see my friends as teens you know the type that climbed trees eventhough now they are specialists and GPs etc

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dewyplace · December 9

    sending you some ice cream they always make me feel better especially the salted caramel ones
    http://www.connoisseuricecream.com.au/tubs/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Rob · December 10

    Well the writing is tight! But your boyfriend needs a little kick in the pants. It is so essential to have our loved ones on board lest it be a convenient trigger to relapse. I urge you to have a heart to heart and really take a look at the future prospect of long term sobriety with him. I hope he wakes the <$*$ up because you're worth it!

    Like

  6. soberisland · December 10

    I have noticed that the friends I drank with don’t want to look at their own drinking so they undermine your problem and tell you it’s not so bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Merry B. Sober · December 19

    I can Sooooo Relate!

    Liked by 1 person

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