Toxic shock

A few nights ago my mother sent an email to my siblings and I that has put me into a “I need a drink, I want to go on a bender” mood that I have been fighting tooth and nail. It started out with her talking about her will and wanting us all to be executors and how she wants to be cremated. Of course she has to throw in the snarky comment that if we want to talk to her after she dies, which she doubts, just walk in the woods. My sister replies to her saying that we will need to know what to do with the ashes to which my mom replies “you don’t get them”. I ask her what happens to them so she tells us that they will simply stay at the crematorium and they can use them for fertilizer or whatever. The last email detailed her contempt for people who scatter ashes without knowing where the dead person wants to rest and how their final resting place ends up having a shopping mall built over it or something. 

Part of being sober is learning how to deal with situations that we used to turn to booze in. Drinking me would have said “urghhh I’m not dealing with this shit”, bought an extra bottle of wine on my way home and drank til I passed out. Sober me? Fighting the urge all day, talking myself out of it, distracting myself. Last night I had a bender dream, and in the dream I woke up the next morning with that feeling of dread over what I had done the night before. In my dream I knew that I had relapsed and I was beside myself. When I woke up from that dream this morning my first semi-awake thoughts were “oh no, oh no oh no… I didn’t, did I?” Hopefully that alone will carry me through the next few days. Day 39 today.

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8 comments

  1. Rob · December 3

    Breath meditate take a bath walk read a book listen to music go to a movie call a friend but a meeting. Whatever you do hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. audreycandoit · December 3

    Ah parents – got to love ’em – they sure know how to push our buttons don’t they? haha….don’t let it…breathe, meditate, eat a hot fudge sundae (this is what I have started doing after a visit to my dads). He’s 92 and every time I visit him I come home and drink – but no more. I am stronger than that and so are you. Hang in there. Big hugs. Audrey

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hurrahforcoffee · December 3

    Well done for not giving in! You have now made new pathways in your brain reinforcing that you can deal with intense stress without drinking. The dreaming about it is your subconsious telling you how badly you want sobriety. Family can press our buttons like no-one else. You’ve done really well by not giving in. Just remember that drinking will not solve the issue or make you feel better all it will do is send you into a self loathing depression. You’re on 39 days today thats incredible. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  4. ainsobriety · December 3

    I have a similar mom. It’s sad that they have to be that way. It hurts.
    But every time you choose you, by staying sober and not engaging is this behaviour, you become stronger.
    Bug hug.
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  5. soberisland · December 3

    Good Lord. I’m sorry. Stay strong. Something else will come up later that will make you want to drink, it won’t be as difficult as it is now.

    Like

  6. dewyplace · December 4

    Do something that makes you happy ..go for a walk..clear your mind . Or if you’re near a beach go there. It always makes me happy. As we are all but grains of sands in the scheme of things.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. suburbanbetty · December 4

    Fuckin’ old people. My dad used to be obsessed with his own death after my mom died and wanted to have quarterly meetings to talk about his will, his estate, his “arrangements”. I finally told him “I WILL DEAL WITH THAT SHIT WHEN YOU ARE DEAD.” and that we are going to have to find something else to talk about. He was pissed off at me for about a year, maybe two (OLD PEOPLE!!) but he got over it. None of this about YOU and therefore no need to drink over it or at it. You are doing awesome! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. beingmesober · December 13

    Awesome job! Don’t give in to the urge…Don’t allow people to treat you that way. Simply tell them, if they can not be supportive, or can’t say anything nice then please don’t bother. Read my blog on Walking away! You may find it helpful. Keep strong!

    Liked by 1 person

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