A few nights ago my mother sent an email to my siblings and I that has put me into a “I need a drink, I want to go on a bender” mood that I have been fighting tooth and nail. It started out with her talking about her will and wanting us all to be executors and how she wants to be cremated. Of course she has to throw in the snarky comment that if we want to talk to her after she dies, which she doubts, just walk in the woods. My sister replies to her saying that we will need to know what to do with the ashes to which my mom replies “you don’t get them”. I ask her what happens to them so she tells us that they will simply stay at the crematorium and they can use them for fertilizer or whatever. The last email detailed her contempt for people who scatter ashes without knowing where the dead person wants to rest and how their final resting place ends up having a shopping mall built over it or something.
Part of being sober is learning how to deal with situations that we used to turn to booze in. Drinking me would have said “urghhh I’m not dealing with this shit”, bought an extra bottle of wine on my way home and drank til I passed out. Sober me? Fighting the urge all day, talking myself out of it, distracting myself. Last night I had a bender dream, and in the dream I woke up the next morning with that feeling of dread over what I had done the night before. In my dream I knew that I had relapsed and I was beside myself. When I woke up from that dream this morning my first semi-awake thoughts were “oh no, oh no oh no… I didn’t, did I?” Hopefully that alone will carry me through the next few days. Day 39 today.