Numbers

For a few years now the number 223 has been popping up here and there – enough times for me to take notice. Lately though, it’s constant. It’s kind of freaking me out. I’ve already circled Dec 23 and Feb 23 on my calendars to remind myself to a) buy lottery tickets on those days and b) stay home (other than to go and buy lottery tickets lol) or be fully aware of my surroundings on those days. When I say it’s getting constant, I mean it really is getting constant. Here’s some expamples:
– Glancing at the clock to see if it’s lunchtime. 12:23
– Getting a phone call at 12:23 or 2:23
– Pumping gas into my car and it clicks off at $42.23
– purchases at stores often totaling $2.23, $12.23, $122.23 etc.
– stopped at a random drugstore to fill a prescription because it just happened to be in the area I was in when I realized I hadn’t filled it. Checked receipt when I got home. Drugstore (chain) #223.
– Waking up out of a dead sleep at 12:23 or 2:23
– Facebook memories notifications with dates or times that are 2:23 or 12:23
– Receipt #’s, verification codes, etc, it goes on.
It’s just weird. It’s kind of ominous feeling and I’m trying to laugh it off as something silly but I keep wondering if it’s a premonition type thing and something is ACTUALLY going to happen on that date or if I’m just noticing that number more now because I accidentally noticed it a few times and from that I’m subconsciously seeking it out or drawing it to me. I’m being so silly about it that I am seriously considering changing a trip next year that I was going to do around Nova Scotia simply because the main part of the road trip involves a hwy 223. HOWEVER… if I win the lottery on Feb 23, then I may do that trip to celebrate 😉

Does anyone else have numbers that keep reoccurring in their day to day life? Do I have a 223 twin out there? 🙂

21 days today!

Sense

I’ve written, deleted and rewritten this several times already this morning. A typical Monday morning where my thoughts are jumping around all over the place – thinking about the week ahead and the weekend that just passed by. Today is day 20. It would have been day 49 if I hadn’t had those few relapses the first 29 days, but I am so proud of myself for making it to 20 days since then. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure! Prior to 49 days ago, I don’t think I had more than 2 days in a row sober in YEARS. The past few days I have started to have a little more energy. I have been cleaning the house more – I’m more aware of how messy it was getting. I bought some natural cleaning products that smell great, bought one of those scented wax melt things and scented wax for it that I really like, and started using perfume again because my sense of smell is coming back. I bought and used some face masks because I’m suddenly more conscious of how dry and patchy my face looks. I have been baking (found a fantastic brown sugar banana bread recipe), and enjoying cooking (roast pork with rosemary & garlic and baby potatoes last night!) because not only am I enjoying the taste of food again, but I’m finding it almost cathartic to be in the kitchen, creating, cooking, baking. I have always loved cooking,  but to be quite honest, I have always had a bottle of wine on hand to drink while I’m in the kitchen. The past few years I may have made some great meals, but I haven’t exactly been “present” for enjoying the taste of them and my nose was always so buried in a glass of wine that I don’t even remember the last time that I really took in and enjoyed the smells of what was cooking. I’m trying to ground myself, find calm and peace where I can in the chaos of what my mind and body are going through. The lovely meal last night? I took my plate downstairs to the basement and ate it sitting in front of the tv, watching a show that I wanted to watch, savouring the taste of the food rather than sit upstairs with my boyfriend. Rude of me? Maybe. Self-preservation? Yup. I didn’t want to ruin the happy and calm vibe I had going on.

The sun will rise and set 

We have been getting some absolutely incredibly beautiful sunrises and sunsets this past week. The other night driving home from work all I could think over and over was “it’s so beautiful. Wow.” Luckily (when the weather is nice) my commute is a quiet and scenic hour long drive. I’ve seen lots of wildlife and a few weeks ago I noticed a house that I’ve never seen before in the years of doing that commute lol. (I’m still trying to figure out how that’s possible). If I didn’t have a ridiculous secret fear of being eaten by wild animals I would even be tempted to pull over and go for a hike on my way home 😉 

Hope everyone’s having a great weekend! Day 18 here!

17

Another Thursday night alone last night while the boyfriend went to the bar and it was a tough one for me. It was really really hard and for the first time since starting this journey I experienced the “just have a drink, no one will know – there’s lots in the cupboard. Just one, maybe 2 at the most. You’ll feel better – won’t it feel good?” Whispers. I was already feeling sad and deflated – I had tried to have a conversation with him before he left, tried to explain what I was going through and how hard this battle is for me. His phone rang in the middle of the conversation and he answered it. When he told the person “oh no, not doing anything, just feeding the dogs” I knew that our conversation was on pause, so I went to lie down in the bedroom. 20 mins later I heard the sound being turned back up on the tv so I knew his phone conversation was over, and our conversation, apparently, was not important enough to continue. It’s a long weekend here this weekend and the weather is nice so I think I owe it to myself to get my butt out of the house and find something to do that will lift my spirits. I would love nothing more than having a supportive partner, but I guess that’s not in the cards for me at this time, and as much as I should feel excited and proud of myself for making it through another night (yes I did! Day 17 here folks!) I’m feeling pretty sad and lonely instead. I think that there’s just been too much turmoil and emotional overload lately.

buyers remorse?

I wanted to buy a necklace today. Not anything expensive or fancy, but something fun and funky. I work in a pretty small little town so I do try to spend some money in different stores to support the local economy. There’s one little shop that sells art supplies and jewelry so today I stopped in there for the first time. Cute little shop. Lots of different jewelry from lots of different artists. I think. The owner swooped down on me like I was the first living soul she had seen in months. I barely had time to get the words “I’m just looking for a necklace for myself” out before she was running in zigzags all over the store pulling out different items so enthusiastically that I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I just wanted to look around in peace and quiet. I get a little frazzled and frustrated in that type of situation. I hate being rude to people, I really do, and she was obviously really enjoying having someone in the store and excited about the prospect of making a sale. She wasn’t pushy or anything… but she didn’t even ask me what type or style I was looking for. When she pointed out something in a display case that had some longer silver (or apparently stainless steel) thin chains, I pointed to those and said “Oh, can I see those? I think that may be the length I’m looking for”. This delighted her actually and she zipped off to another corner of the store that had brooches and gleefully exclaimed that I could make my OWN necklace by stringing the chain through the brooch. (Is that how you even spell that?!) At this point I’m starting to mentally plan my escape when I see this little round hoop shaped thing that I can put on the stainless steel chain, and it’s only $10 (same price as a bottle of wine – that’s a sign! ;-)) This little hoop (about the size of a penny) has 2 tiny little horse shoes and 2 tiny little four leaf clovers on the edge of it. I tell the woman that I think that’s what I want. She gives me a weird look and tells me that THOSE are for holding lucky pennies. I tell her that the next penny I find on the ground will be my lucky one. Those are rare to find these days because we don’t use pennies anymore in our currency. So needless to say, I left the store feeling frustrated that I didn’t even get a chance to really look for what I wanted, and I ended up buying something that I actually really DIDN’T want. I came back to my office and stared at the necklace, slowly turning it over in my hands, rubbing the four leaf clovers and poking my finger through the hoop. I put it on and critically inspected the length – not the length I wanted – guess I’ll have to get used to that too. Ok so it’s not what I was planning on getting, but now that I’m wearing it, I actually do like it. I am excited about looking for a lucky penny too, haha.

While typing this out, I had a little laugh to myself as it made me think that this is how I feel about sobriety right now too. I felt a little forced into it at the beginning; it was sort of what I wanted but not really; as I got used to it, it started to grow on me and started to look better than I originally thought it would; I’m curious about it and keep feeling it out to see how it works in different situations; it’s going to take time to get used to it; and… I’m excited about what surprises or lucky pennies I may find in the future due to my eyes being a little more wide open and paying attention to my surroundings more.

penny

Took a picture of it because I’m pretty bad at trying to explain things – that’s the size in relation to the tea tag in my cup of tea.

PS – Day 16!! Over half way to one month sober!

 

3am rage

Last night the boyfriend was out so although I tried waiting up for him, by 11:30 pm I went to bed. I had a meeting today that I wanted to be “bright eyed and bushy tailed” for. 1am he stumbles in drunk, has to come into the bedroom and make sure I’m awake. He then goes out to the living room, makes popcorn, eats chips, watches tv, plays tambourine. Kidding about the tambourine but he may as well have been for all the flippin’ noise he’s making. 3 am he finally gives it up and comes to bed. Fling door open? Check. Fling covers back dramatically? Check. Throw entire body onto bed to see if girlfriend will bounce high enough to hit the ceiling? Check. Ok, by this time I’m SEETHING. I have a meeting to go to in the morning and I know that now I won’t be able to get back to sleep. He puts the mask thing of his sleep apnea machine on, turns the machine on and in within about 30 seconds falls asleep. About a minute later -PSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!! The machine or the mask or my boyfriend are mimicking the sound of a large tire rapidly losing air. If there’s one thing that pisses me off, it’s getting woken up in the middle of the night. If there’s one thing that will send me into a blind seething rage, it’s the combination of everything above. So I poked him (semi gently) and told him to take the mask off for the night, which he does while muttering “finnneee…. I’ll TRY to go sleep without it tonightzzzzzzzz” snoring. Loudly. So I get hmmm I don’t know – an hour of sleep to go to my meeting on? He of course, calls in sick and sleeps the day away. A few months ago at 4 am I would have been getting up, pouring myself some of his spiced rum (“because if he’s going to keep me awake then I’m drinking his booze and maybe this will help me get to sleep for a few hours). Last night the thought crossed my mind briefly, but then flitted away. Thank goodness.

Who am I? Day 14

For as long as I can remember, I have had crazy, vivid dreams. Some I remember in full detail when I wake up, and other ones come to me over the day in little bits and pieces. Some of my dreams are boring and mundane and so much like my day to day life that I have a hard time figuring out if it’s a memory or a dream. Other dreams are terrifying and I will wake up dripping in sweat, heart racing and a scream stuck in my throat. I have been a frequent visitor to dream interpretation websites and in a box somewhere in my house is a book on it as well. I couldn’t even tell you the amount of times that I have said “I had the WEIRDEST dream last night”. I have a reoccurring dream that always comes to me during times of personal turmoil – one of multiple tornadoes on the horizon all bearing down on me. I haven’t had that one in a while which feels strange, or, I guess, reassuring because maybe that means that my brain hasn’t equated quitting drinking to personal turmoil. I have read quite a bit on different sobriety blogs about the “drinking dreams” that people have months into sobriety. I have had a couple of dreams lately that are more “… but I HAVEN’T been drinking!” dreams. In one of them, I was a new grandmother (I don’t have grandkids btw), and I wanted to hold the baby. My daughter in law wouldn’t let me. She kept saying “you can’t! You’re drunk! You’re going to do something to the baby!” and I kept saying “No, I’m sober! I’m sober! I haven’t been drinking!” In another one I was having a crazy, busy day and couldn’t get to a phone to phone my nephew to wish him a happy birthday until the day after his birthday. When I finally talked to him, I could hear my sister telling him “I told you Aunty would be too drunk to remember your birthday” and I had to tell him “I wasn’t drunk! I wasn’t drinking! I just couldn’t get to the phone yesterday”. Part of me thinks that these types of dreams are my subconscious telling me “You’re still going to act like an asshole, and you’re still going to do stupid things and now you can’t blame it on alcohol HAHAHA!” I spent so many years “hiding behind the glass” saying things like “Oh, I did what? Sheesh, I must have been drunk haha” or forgetting things, or not getting stuff done because I was in a fog that it kind of worries me about what kind of person I’ll be now that I don’t have that excuse.

And the 13th day shall fall on a Monday.

Day 13! The weather here was amazing on the weekend. Usually we’re cold and snowy and barreling full force into our 6 months of winter. This weekend was beautiful, sunny and warm and Saturday night the entire province was covered in smokey haze from everyone having bonfires while shouts of joy were heard all over “Can you believe it? This is NOVEMBER!” lol. I have put in a personal order for another weekend with the same type of weather next weekend because I was indoors for most of this last one, and at a hockey game drinking hot chocolate on Saturday night instead of outside at a bonfire.

Saturday morning I ran some errands and when I got home around lunch the boyfriend was on his way out to pick up something from a friend’s house. He asked me if I wanted to go. This friend quit drinking 3 months ago and is in AA so I was actually kind of excited about going -the first person in real life I can talk to who is going through this too. We got there and as soon as we got out of the truck he offered us a beer. My heart kind of sank a little bit, and I automatically assumed that maybe he had started drinking again. I declined, boyfriend accepted and the friend grabbed himself a pepsi. I realize that I’m only 13 days in (7 weeks since the start), but I honestly can’t see myself 3 months from now having wine on hand to offer to my friends who stop by. I feel that it would just make me… sad. I think that I’d just be thinking non-stop about the bottle of wine in my cupboard or fridge. I think I’d spend the entire visit staring at their wine glasses and not being able to focus on the conversation. Heaven forbid that there would be any wine left over because I’d have to pour it out right away. I have been ok-ish around people who are drinking, but so far I haven’t had to be in the comfort of my own home, in my favourite drinking place, with people who are drinking my favourite drink.

Crummy day 10

Today was a tough one for me. Every 2 months I have a meeting that I really look forward to. Today was the meeting day. I look forward to this meeting for a number of reasons: great group of people, the meeting is right downtown in the city, its always on a Friday and we always finish early. After the meeting I usually do some grocery shopping at the neat little stores around there, pick up a bottle of wine for the evening, and head to a pub on the way home where my boyfriend meets me for our “date night”. These are the only “date nights” that we have had in a long time. I usually have an hour to kill before he meets me there so I sit at our favourite table and have a few drinks and people watch. I look forward to this whole day in general for the entire 2 months leading up to it. Last night my boyfriend told me that he wasn’t going to meet me tonight and that he was stopping by an old drinking buddy’s house on the way home instead. Driving to the meeting this morning I just felt…. pissy. Pouty. Discombobulated. Not only was my whole day going to be completely different because it was going to be alcohol free but now I was getting shoved to the side for him to go drinking. Again. That feeling built up all day until I quite honestly felt like howling with fury. Thoughts of going home and curling up on the couch with a glass of wine pushed their way into my thoughts over and over and OVER again no matter what I did to try to squash them back down. I kept telling myself no no no…. I can do this and tonight after these stupid thoughts and feelings pass I’m going to do my day 10 blog and laugh at myself for acting and feeling that way. After the meeting I stopped by a little used clothing store and found a sweater I absolutely LOVED and $10! Same price as a bottle of wine 🙂. Then I stopped at the grocery store (ours don’t sell alcohol like the ones in the states) and slowly walked every. Single. Aisle. Slowly. Reading labels, picking up and inspecting fruit. You name it – anything I could to reverse my mood and alter my train of thought before I went home. I also bought about 10 different kinds of drinks, including kulbacha. I bought spinach dip and fresh bread, and when I got home I curled up on the couch with that and a book and read for an hour. I think, I HOPE that the mood and ravenous craving for a drink has passed. And here I am, at day 10.

The itchy scratchy show

I keep reading or hearing about how nice your skin gets after quitting drinking. WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN? Seriously! My skin is going absolutely nutso right now – rashes and hives and patchy skin. I had much nicer skin when I was drunk all the time. Or maybe I was just looking at it through beer goggles lol. I have never been a big makeup wearer but I actually went and bought coverup to try to cover up some of the worse ones on my face – a lovely big hive above my lip, more on my cheeks, a patch of rough red skin by my eye. Yikes! 😮 I don’t even want to tell anyone that I quit drinking because they’ll probably think “and replaced it with what??!” I’ll be dragged off to rehab screaming “No, no you don’t understand, my skin is just mad at me!!” Never mind the fact that I can’t even wear deodorant right now because my armpits have exploded in massive angry rashes. I’m a mess, lol. (And I AM laughing about it, because it’s kind of funny in a ridiculous way).

Day 9. 😀

Scratch & sniff (still 8 days)

I don’t know if it was from the smoking or from having my nose in a glass of alcohol all the time that dulled my sense of smell, but I have basically had zero sense of smell the past few years. I used to like smelling good, but the last time someone told me in a meeting that I smelled good I gave a bit of a cackle (yes, I do believe it was more of a cackle than a giggle unfortunately), and replied “Like what – sadness, stale wine and cigarettes?”. I was half joking on that one, because for all I knew that was exactly what I smelled like and she may have just really liked that certain odor. I’m on a mission though, to smell nice(r) lately. I even seem to be getting a little bit of my sense of smell back – I’ve noticed smells other than the dead skunk on the hwy or the particularly rank dog fart that my dog manages to silently surprise you with now and then. I ordered myself an grown up advent calendar full of lotions & girly stuff as I think that the holiday season will be a tough one for me on this journey. Having a nice little surprise every morning (or evening) – a little treat for myself and a nice smelling one at that – will be something to look forward to.