Processing… please hold…

When I was drinking heavily, my conversations and interactions (even when sober) were a lot different than they are now. Half the time I don’t think I was really even paying attention during conversations – just nodding or throwing in the odd “mmhmmm”, “oh really?”  or “hmm!” here and there. I had LOTS of conversations that I don’t even remember or only remember bits and pieces of. I lost count of the number of times I’d look at my phone in the morning and exhale with “Oh shit… I talked to my mom/sister/friend last night?? FOR AN HOUR?!!” and wonder what on earth we talked about and if my end of the conversation even made any sense. I’d be cringing every time the phone rang or beeped all day in case it was the person I had “talked to” the evening before, calling to tell me what embarrassing or awful things I had said. That rarely if ever happened. Did they even know I was drunk? They must have. Once in a while I’d get an email from my mom saying “I really enjoyed our conversation last night” and I’d be thinking “What was it about??!” Apparently I really liked to call people when I was drunk, sheesh.

While trying to escape my life by hiding behind the glass, I missed out on a lot of things that could have held some really great memories, and I got a very real eye-opener to that on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon I had all 3 of my kids and the significant others of the two oldest ones at my house for dinner, and it was great. In the past I would have had a glass or two in the early afternoon before they arrived while I was preparing the food, then more after they arrived, more with dinner and after dinner and would have been pretty tipsy by dessert with everyone (except the youngest who lives with me half time) leaving shortly after that. This Sunday I was SO present and sober and we all had such a great visit, the food was wonderful and the company even more so. The kids all hung around and chatted after dinner and as I mentioned in my Monday post I got some great news. So this is my really great news! I’m going to be a grandmother! My oldest son and his girlfriend are expecting. They’re both in their twenties which seems so young to me even though I had him when I was a (naughty) teenager. They just bought a house together earlier this year and they’re settled down with decent jobs. They’ve been together about 4 yrs. I am SO happy for them! And excited. And of course, nervous for them because they just seem so young!  It also took me a day to actually process it haha. The thing is though, if this had happened 2 months ago I would have woken up the next morning wondering “did they actually tell me that, or was it a dream? What did I say? Did I slip and phone anyone else to tell them the news? (It’s a secret til Christmas) Did they tell me the due date or anything else about dr’s appointments or if they’re finding out if they’re having a boy or girl?” I REMEMBER every single minute of that conversation. I REMEMBER the look on their faces when they told me, and the look on everyone’s face, and the conversation afterwards, AND the due date, and THAT has made every hard, frustrating, scary day since I quit drinking 1000% worth it.

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18 comments

  1. Hurrahforcoffee · November 30

    Yes, yes and yes. Alcohol robs people of time and consciousness/presence. I can’t actually think of anything more precious than those things. Sounds like you had a lovely visit and HUGE congratulations on becoming a grandmother!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. asobermiracle · November 30

    Yay, that’s so exciting! It’s like you get to raise children all over again. ; )
    I am having to relearn communications skills as well. I have to coach myself to pay attention, to ask questions, to not daydream while I am talking to someone, especially on the phone. I am so used to yammering away (while drinking), waiting for them to show signs of amusement. I don’t think I ever let people get a word in edgewise in the past. Ugh. It is very very nice to be sober.
    Congratulations, Grandma!

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

      Oh boy the daydreaming and/ or zoning out is something that I’ve really had to focus on not doing too! I’ve had people ask me why I’m so quiet lately and I want to say “because I’m actually paying attention to what you’re saying” haha. Thank you for the congratulations!

      Liked by 1 person

      • asobermiracle · December 1

        I have perfected this blank look of pretend paying attention where I am really thinking about what I am going to have for lunch. I am working on it through the practice of being “present.” After spending most of my life deliberately being not present, this is a challenge. ; )

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

        Things I think about when I should be paying attention during a conversation:
        – food
        – what I would do if I won the lottery
        – what I need to pick up for dinner or baking lunch the next day
        – if I have forgotten anything important that day ie birthdays etc
        – traveling
        – more food
        😀

        Liked by 1 person

  3. sauvignonblackout · November 30

    Congratulations Granny! 😉 That is wonderful news!
    I felt haunted reading about all the forgotten phone conversations… I was ‘one of those’ too. I would usually phone my brother or send really random texts to people and then want to jump into a hole the next day and cringe, cringe, cringe. How lucky are we, we never have to do that again if we choose not to! Thanks for this post. It’s a good reminder xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

      Our lucky siblings lol. You’re welcome for the reminder, it was a good one for me too as I was flooded with cringeworthy memories writing it. Thanks for the congrats! 😁

      Like

  4. Rob · November 30

    What a great, happy time for you. Congratulations! This post was on point, I could so relate. So good to read this today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

      Rob, I’m glad that people can relate to some of my posts and that this one came at a good time for you. Thank you for the congratulations!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. dewyplace · December 1

    Congrats you must be thrilled now you can go shopping for baby stuff hope it’s a girl as then you can doll her up 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. tiredoftreadingwater · December 1

    Congratulations! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. audreycandoit · December 1

    Congratulations grandma…I had a feeling that was your good news. How wonderful to be fully present for this moment, and all the moments to come. I’m so happy for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

      Thanks Audrey! Good intuition 😊 Yes, it really will be wonderful to be present for all the moments to come.

      Like

  8. Untipsyteacher · December 1

    Congratulations!!
    And being sober means you won’t have problems when you babysit.
    My brother would’t let my father be alone with his daughter when he was drinking, and wouldn’t let him hold her, as he couldn’t be trusted…he might drop her.
    Being a grandma is awesome!!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · December 1

      Thanks Wendy! My mom has always been very hands off with her grandchildren (to the point where she has to be begged to attend a family or special function, and has never once taken the initiative to see her grandkids) and I’ve always thought “if I’m ever a grandma, I am going to be so completely different than that!”, and now, being sober, I know that I will be 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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