Something happened yesterday that should have caused me to be bouncing around with excitement and happiness today, and I’m not. I’m thinking, overthinking and worrying. I’m feeling happy and then sad. Relief and then sadness. I will add that this happened after a week of feeling very out of sorts and fighting the urge to pick up a bottle of wine the entire darned week, every single day.
At the boyfriends urging (yet again) I went to the bar with him on Thursday evening. I took my own car and stayed for a few hours and had some good conversation and laughs and then I went home, by myself and just felt sad. During the course of the evening, another couple had said that they wanted to get away during the winter, but were on a tight budget. “Oh!” I said,”I’ve been looking into cruises and you can find some that are actually ridiculously cheap when you think that it includes accommodation, food, entertainment…!”. The wife perked up and replied “Oh really, how much are the cruises?” and before I even had a chance to reply my boyfriend butts in with “unlimited drink passes are $70/day!” Really? We’re looking into possibly going on a (THREE DAY) cruise about 5 months from now and that has been his main focus since I first suggested it. “Are drinks included in the price? Can you order alcohol with dinner? Are there bars/lounges on the boat? Can you take your own alcohol on? Can you buy unlimited drink passes?” I hadn’t even looked into the drink passes for him, but I see that he did! I had hoped that a cruise may be a test of a trip that we could take together as we don’t travel well together. I like to go off on adventures and go exploring and sightseeing while he likes to plop his butt down in one place, drink & cell phone firmly in hand and talk to the people sitting close by, watch tv or browse facebook. He prefers to travel with a group of friends, I prefer to travel with just us so that we can meet other people or aren’t tied down to group activities. I pay my own way, my half of the cost of the trip, plus I pay for any extra curricular activities or tours that we go on since they’re MY idea and it’s something that I want to do, not him. I was so frustrated after our last trip together that I began to think that maybe I should just take solo ones from now on. Then I thought about cruises and how a 3 or 4 day one would be a great thing for us to test out (neither one of us has ever been on one before) because I could go on the shore excursions and he could sit on the beach. There’s lots of entertainment and things to do on a cruise ship so sitting around drinking shouldn’t be a focus, right? I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.
Saturday I went out and did some shopping and he went out and loaded up on booze for the house for the holiday season “In case people drop by”. Yippee.
Sunday I had my kids over for dinner and had a great visit with them (and got some very exciting news!) while the boyfriend mostly watched the football game and drank beer. He did join us off and on at the kitchen table and we did join him off and on in the living room. I’m just feeling really… alone I guess. Melancholy? Sad? It doesn’t help that winter is here and I’m driving to and from work in the dark too. I’m sure I’d be in a better mood if it was bright and sunshiney and warm out 🙂