60/31

Today marks 60 days since I decided to quit drinking, and 31 days sober, so I thought I’d write about the crazy roller coaster that has been the past two months. I’m not going to write about what led up to deciding to quit, I’ll save that for another post. I will say that it had escalated drastically over the past 3+ years to at least one, usually 2+ bottles of wine a night, sometimes followed by vodka if I *really* needed that escape.

September 26 – first day sober and bound at determined to not drink again. I also decided to quit smoking so first day on the patch. By day 2 I was already bartering with myself. “Make it 4 days and then you can reward yourself with a drink and ONE smoke”. Day 4 – bottle of wine & 2 cigarettes, timed to coincide with a night the boyfriend wasn’t home so that I could hide it. This carried on for several weeks. 4 days sober, 6 days sober, 2 days, 4 days etc. I encouraged the boyfriend to go out often. October 16 I dropped him off at the airport and drove straight to the liquor store for 2 bottles of wine and the gas station for a pack of smokes and got completely drunk (the last time that drunk). Wednesday the 19th I flew down to Texas to meet him, drank at the airport, on the plane, at the next airport and on the next plane. Arrived at the hotel and told him I wanted a beer “to let loose while on vacation!” (To try to hide the fact I had been drinking). Drank in moderation with him (and also secretly when I was by myself) over the next few days. Sunday we flew home. I purposely made sure our seats weren’t together on the flights and that his was several rows ahead and on the other side of the aisle from me (so that I knew when he fell asleep and could order a drink). Arrived home and made an excuse to go to the store and buy a bottle. Snuck it into the house, and said I was tired and going to lie down in the bedroom. Drank 3/4 of the bottle. Had that last glass 2 days later when he was out, drinking it slowly, savouring it and saying goodbye and that this HAD to end. I promised myself that I would use the money I saved to go on vacations, visit family,take my kids out! All the things I “haven’t been able to afford” for many years.

The next day I went to work, and decided to start a blog to vent, write it out etc. Imagine my surprise when I found out that there were other people doing the same thing!

The first two weeks were pure hell – insane sugar cravings, complete exhaustion, jittery, fidgety, itchier than I’ve ever been in my life (and I’ve had poison ivy lol. Ok maybe not QUITE that itchy!) I bought so many books and read non-stop. I bought cookies, chocolate bars and as many different flavours of sugary pop drinks I could find. I baked banana bread. I did not deny myself ANY cravings that I had (other than alcohol). Basically it was two weeks of eating, sleeping, reading, and anger. I was mad, oh boy was I mad. Mad at myself and everyone else. Slowly, slowly things started to ease off a bit and the sugar cravings aren’t as crazy, the extreme exhaustion abated a bit (to where I wasn’t falling asleep on the couch as soon as I got home). More tea than pop, less chocolate bars and cookies. Emotions still running high, and trying to figure out how to deal with those sober. I took MANY long hot showers, went for lots of angry walks, paced, drove, read, cranked up the music and danced, crawled under the covers in bed and hid. I did anything and everything I could to make it through, and here I am! 31 days.