I’ve written, deleted and rewritten this several times already this morning. A typical Monday morning where my thoughts are jumping around all over the place – thinking about the week ahead and the weekend that just passed by. Today is day 20. It would have been day 49 if I hadn’t had those few relapses the first 29 days, but I am so proud of myself for making it to 20 days since then. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure! Prior to 49 days ago, I don’t think I had more than 2 days in a row sober in YEARS. The past few days I have started to have a little more energy. I have been cleaning the house more – I’m more aware of how messy it was getting. I bought some natural cleaning products that smell great, bought one of those scented wax melt things and scented wax for it that I really like, and started using perfume again because my sense of smell is coming back. I bought and used some face masks because I’m suddenly more conscious of how dry and patchy my face looks. I have been baking (found a fantastic brown sugar banana bread recipe), and enjoying cooking (roast pork with rosemary & garlic and baby potatoes last night!) because not only am I enjoying the taste of food again, but I’m finding it almost cathartic to be in the kitchen, creating, cooking, baking. I have always loved cooking, but to be quite honest, I have always had a bottle of wine on hand to drink while I’m in the kitchen. The past few years I may have made some great meals, but I haven’t exactly been “present” for enjoying the taste of them and my nose was always so buried in a glass of wine that I don’t even remember the last time that I really took in and enjoyed the smells of what was cooking. I’m trying to ground myself, find calm and peace where I can in the chaos of what my mind and body are going through. The lovely meal last night? I took my plate downstairs to the basement and ate it sitting in front of the tv, watching a show that I wanted to watch, savouring the taste of the food rather than sit upstairs with my boyfriend. Rude of me? Maybe. Self-preservation? Yup. I didn’t want to ruin the happy and calm vibe I had going on.