Who am I? Day 14

For as long as I can remember, I have had crazy, vivid dreams. Some I remember in full detail when I wake up, and other ones come to me over the day in little bits and pieces. Some of my dreams are boring and mundane and so much like my day to day life that I have a hard time figuring out if it’s a memory or a dream. Other dreams are terrifying and I will wake up dripping in sweat, heart racing and a scream stuck in my throat. I have been a frequent visitor to dream interpretation websites and in a box somewhere in my house is a book on it as well. I couldn’t even tell you the amount of times that I have said “I had the WEIRDEST dream last night”. I have a reoccurring dream that always comes to me during times of personal turmoil – one of multiple tornadoes on the horizon all bearing down on me. I haven’t had that one in a while which feels strange, or, I guess, reassuring because maybe that means that my brain hasn’t equated quitting drinking to personal turmoil. I have read quite a bit on different sobriety blogs about the “drinking dreams” that people have months into sobriety. I have had a couple of dreams lately that are more “… but I HAVEN’T been drinking!” dreams. In one of them, I was a new grandmother (I don’t have grandkids btw), and I wanted to hold the baby. My daughter in law wouldn’t let me. She kept saying “you can’t! You’re drunk! You’re going to do something to the baby!” and I kept saying “No, I’m sober! I’m sober! I haven’t been drinking!” In another one I was having a crazy, busy day and couldn’t get to a phone to phone my nephew to wish him a happy birthday until the day after his birthday. When I finally talked to him, I could hear my sister telling him “I told you Aunty would be too drunk to remember your birthday” and I had to tell him “I wasn’t drunk! I wasn’t drinking! I just couldn’t get to the phone yesterday”. Part of me thinks that these types of dreams are my subconscious telling me “You’re still going to act like an asshole, and you’re still going to do stupid things and now you can’t blame it on alcohol HAHAHA!” I spent so many years “hiding behind the glass” saying things like “Oh, I did what? Sheesh, I must have been drunk haha” or forgetting things, or not getting stuff done because I was in a fog that it kind of worries me about what kind of person I’ll be now that I don’t have that excuse.

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6 comments

  1. beingmesober · November 8, 2016

    Hi Behind the glass!

    Cool name btw, so abut your dreams. My name is Kelly btw, and I have been sober for 7.5 yrs. I remember getting those dreams as well. I think it was my subconscious telling me that I would drink again. Or fearing that we can’t do it, we’ll fail. They won’t haunt you forever, just part of recovering!
    Keep fighting and free your mind of the fear, you will be fine. You have to keep going that’s all!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hurrahforcoffee · November 9, 2016

    It’s like a subconscious fear that you don’t have your shit together isn’t it? I have a very deep-rooted fear of being inadequate in just normal every day life. I lost my car keys on school run the other morning, stone cold sober! Still doing ditsy stupid stuff even when I don’t drink! But I’m forgiving myself quicker these days ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • shehidbehindtheglass · November 9, 2016

      Yes, that’s exactly it! I’m terrible at losing things (or putting them in a “safe place” lol). I should invest in some of those little gps tracker tags or those ones that chirp when you whistle. My memory does seem to be getting a bit better since I quit drinking, but still has a long way to go

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie Ann · January 6

    My ten year old asked me one evening, “why do you look drunk when you’re tired?”

    Huge incentive, that was.

    Thank you for sharing this – I’m just now beginning to remember some dreams again, so it’s good to know this might occur and that it passes.

    Like

    • shehidbehindtheglass · January 6

      Hi Carrie Ann! I would always use the “I’m not drunk, I’m just tired!” line, durrgh, my kids probably equated the two with me too! Thanks for dropping by 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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