I had the first sober phone call with my mom that I have had in I don’t remember how long. I can’t remember the last time that I have talked to her where I haven’t had to numb myself first. My preference was to have enough to drink that I was still coherent, but that by the few more drinks that I’d have while talking to her on the phone I’d completely forget the conversation by the next day.
If there is one person in the world who’s head I would love to crawl into and poke around in, it’s hers. I have never understood her at all and I have no idea where’s she’s coming from or why she reacts to things the way she does. Screaming at me when I was little about how much she hated having kids, wished we had never been born because we had ruined her life (I’m the oldest – her first mistake 5 yrs into their marriage), saying terrible, horrible, degrading things to me when I was a teenager, nasty comments about every single person she’d meet, such intense jealousy of her own sisters – to the point where my siblings and I have never been able to have a relationship with them or our cousins AT ALL because of the fear of the backlash from our own mother. Let’s not even go into the belt, hairbrush, wooden spoons or anything else she could get her hands on. Even as adults – if we are being good in her mind then she loves us and all is fine (for some reason this rarely if ever happens for all of us at the same time). If she thinks, for any reason whatsoever, that we may possibly have been in contact with one of her siblings or she “hears something” in our voice when we’re talking to her then we’ll get the silent treatment, or the nasty comments. She constantly needs praise. I could go on but I won’t. It’s exhausting. It is absolutely completely down right exhausting and the older I got the more I understood why my dad drank so much lol. I would love to know what came first – her bitterness/jealousy/rage or his drinking. So last night was my first conversation with her while I was sober. It was actually a decent conversation with even a few laughs as I told her about some of my escapades on my last trip, but I still feel out of sorts today. Enough of that though…. today is day 8. This may be a 2-post day with a lighter post following this one even if it’s just an attempt to swing my own mood.