For far too many years I have been hiding behind a glass – either wine glass or other glass that contained an alcoholic beverage. If I felt nervous, or stressed, or grumpy, or wanted to celebrate, had a bad day at work, was tired and wanted to relax… well that was my answer and my way of coping, dealing, celebrating, living. Living? Living, blacking out, freaking out, passing out… because one or two drinks was never enough for me.
I’ve known for a long time that this was a problem for me but the past year or so it has actually started to bother me. Before that it didn’t. I always thought “who cares? I like my wine. I like to drink, I deserve this! How is it anyone else’s business how much I drink? It makes ME happy.”. I actually can’t remember when it started to get out of hand. When it started taking over my thoughts and when I would start skipping events or get togethers or look forward to my boyfriend having other plans so that I could have a night by myself and drink myself into a quiet, happy, drunken stupor and stumble to bed. When THAT turned into every. single. night. It didn’t help that I love the taste of alcohol (especially wine), I love the feel of the wine glass in my hand, and I love feeling that happy drunken stupor feeling. I’m an alcoholic. I know this. I’ve known it for longer that I have been worried about it.
Today is officially day one of being sober. 5 weeks ago was supposed to be, but I have had a few slip ups. I decided to quit drinking and smoking at the same time 5 weeks ago and to say that it has been rough is an understatement. I’m not happy with myself for slipping up, but I’m not going to give up on this journey either and I think that having this blog will hopefully help keep me more accountable. If nothing else, when I’m twitching for a cigarette and/or a drink, I can keep my hands busy by typing on here, right? 🙂